Light Burdens

Would you like to be involved with inspiring people on a grand scale?

2008-05-29T15:45:00.004-05:00

I am compiling a book of God stories. I need your help to make it happen. This will not be a religious book. I intend it to be of a universal nature, so it does not matter your religion or your system of devotion, or your spiritual path. It does not matter what name you use to identify our Source.

I am requesting a story of your own personal experience with God. It could be a story of awakening, or a story of being guided by Spirit. Or, an inspirational experience in which you knew without a doubt that God, a Supreme Being or Creator is real. I will also accept stories of feeling one with creation, an experience of miraculous healing and stories of Angels helping or guiding you.

Your story needs to be true and about your personal experience. Please do not judge your story, just send it.

Send your story to Godstories.cc@gmail.com
You may send your story in a Microsoft Word attachment. Please include your name, age, profession, city and state and country. I will also need your address which will be kept confidential. I will need to send you a letter granting me permission to publish your story if it will be included in the book. If you do not wish to have your name published, please let me know and your name will not be published. I would, however, like to give you credit for your story.

Also include in your story the circumstances surrounding your experience.

You may read my personal God stories in my blog and specifically the post titled, 'Fear, who cares", lightburdens.blogspot.com/2008/03/fear-who-cares.html

I hope to receive stories from all over the world, from people of different religions, cultures, backgrounds and ages. I will gladly accept stories from children as well. Stories from children will be included in this book or a different book, depending on how many I receive.

The goal of this book is to heal and inspire. I want people to know that it does not matter where you live, what you do or who you are, that everyone is entitled to receive the divine love of our Source. And that we are all within and at one with the same Source.

I hope you will join with me to fulfill this goal.

Transformation

2008-05-29T14:34:00.005-05:00

I wanted to make sure that I created a post today. I'm going back to Tulsa tomorrow where my apartment is to pack up what I can fit in my car and sell everything else. I've been staying in Louisville for a couple of months now looking for new opportunities with my Fiance. If you've read my recent posts you know I have found an unbelievable opportunity for not only myself but also my Fiance. Jobs for both of us and a place to live rolled up into one situation. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

I needed to write today because I believe we've already had our internet turned off at our apartment, so I'm not sure when I will have the chance to write again in the near future.

I wanted to share my recent experiences with A Course in Miracles before I left. I've actually already wrote about them in the form of emails to Lisa and a response to something she posted on her blog Gorgeous for God. To save time I'll just copy and post those messages here.

Here is an email message from May 21:

I just wanted to tell you about my experience with lesson 71 yesterday. Yesterday morning I did the first longer practice of the day, the part when you ask God what would you have me do, where would you have me go, what would you have me say.

I got an answer! It was very clear and undeniable. Interesting though, that the answer wasn't exactly in words or images but like an idea given to me. Some of it was a voice but not a specific voice. Not exactly mine and not unfamiliar. It said that being hurt is what I am afraid of and so I stay guarded and not really giving or receiving. It said to love people. Tell them you love them and give everything. This part was not spoken word for word, but more of an idea instantly received. Then I asked, "I can tell people I love them, but I might not really mean it. How do I mean it?" I didn't finish asking this question when it was answered. This part was word for word. It said, "Love the Light. Say 'I love you' to the light." And then implied, do not love the body, it's not who they are.

Then I waited for a moment in case there was anything more and then I heard, "read Corinthians 3:5".

So, then I opened the Bible and remembered there are two Corinthians, 1st and 2nd. So, I just went to 1st Corinthians 3:5. I had to read the rest of 3 to get the whole idea. It was really great. It talked about how God gives the increase and we are the Temple of God and He dwells within us, the wisdom of the world is foolish and all things are for us. Then I read 2 Corinthians 3:5 and it was perfect. It says, "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God." To me, that verse was what lesson 71 was saying, "God's plan for salvation will work". And it talks about how the ego looks outside of itself for salvation, that only if this person acted this certain way, or if this situation was different, I would be happy.

Anyway, I spent much of yesterday studying 1st and 2nd Corinthians. Much of what it says is what lessons 70, 71 and 72 are talking about.

The following is the response I left to one of Lisa's blog posts, "You who are now the bringer of salvation have the function of bringing light to darkness."

Thank you Lisa for posting this. Last week I was struggling with stillness. couldn’t get past my thoughts and be with God, reacting a lot and feeling annoyed. Not wanting to accept my current situation of having loose ends to tie up in Tulsa but not being able to go there and not having my own space yet in Louisville. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and feeling like things weren’t working out for me. I started to go into the darkness and old thoughts about who I am started to come up like, there’s something wrong with me and I’m flawed somehow and not entitled to happiness. Crazy, right!

Well, one morning a couple of days ago, I woke up and thought that maybe I should just quit doing the lessons. But immediately I thought, NO!!! No specific thought behind that but just a feeling of urgency, like I am not going to waste anymore time, why not awaken right now. I haven’t got the time to waste. I do, more than anything, wish to understand.

So, today I’ve been in a state of gratitude. I am so thankful for these last few months in which it seems that there was a space created in my life, where I have the opportunity to spend most of my time focused on these lessons and on awakening, reflection and on God, without being distracted by a job and plans and schedules and meaningless activities. I realize what a gift this situation has been. I have no reason or excuse to not make time for God.

It’s like an intermission period in my life and the next scene is transformation. The light is shining away the past to make room for God’s presence!!!

Thank you for shining your light and being here for me and so many others.
With much love and gratitude.

p.s. I finally have the opportunity to go to Tulsa Thursday. I’m going to sell all my stuff and just take what will fit in the car. I’ll come back with very little baggage and whole lot more light.

Love Created Me Like Itself

2008-05-16T07:41:00.004-05:00

Love created me like itself, lesson 67. Lisa from Gorgeous for God said something very helpful about this lesson in her blog. She said, "If you’ve been having any difficulty it is for one reason, and one reason only: you must still be focusing on the problem." That was a very eye-opening statement for me. Because, yes, when I considered that statement, I realized I am still focusing on my problems. Not as much as I used to, but nevertheless, I am thinking of them.

She said that you can't think of your problems and God at the same time. I can't realize my true Self while focusing on my false Self. She also said, "As you focus on the truth of yourself (light, love, joy, perfect and holy) all your problems and false ideas about yourself will disappear immediately, with no effort."

Makes sense when I consider how I came up with false ideas about myself. I focused on them until I believed they were true. If I can make the false ideas about who I am true in my own mind then I am confident that I can recognize and remember what I truly am as God created me and make the true, true.

Here is what the lesson says and so this is what I will do today:

"Today's idea is a complete and accurate statement of what you are. This is why you are the light of the world. This is why God appointed you as the world's savior. This is why the Son of God looks to you for his salvation. He is saved by what you are. We will make every effort today to reach this truth about you, and to realize fully, if only for a moment, that it is the truth."

"Be confident that you will do much today to bring that awareness nearer(the awareness of a blazing light in which you recognize yourself as love created you), whether you feel you have succeeded or not."

"Four or five times an hour, and perhaps even more, it would be most beneficial to remind yourself that love created you like itself. Hear the truth about yourself in this."

"Try to realize in the shorter practice periods that this is not your tiny, solitary voice that tells you this. This is the Voice for God, reminding you of your Father and of your Self. This is the Voice of truth, replacing everything that the ego tells you about yourself with the simple truth about the Son of God. You were created by love like itself."

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

2008-05-15T10:37:00.003-05:00

So, I've been struggling a bit with my lessons lately. I know why though. Although, I've been doing them, I haven't been giving them the importance they deserve. I've been preoccupied with other activities and have been forgetting to make time for God. As a result, I haven't been happy and I got sick a couple of days ago. Now, I'm choosing again. Now I'm getting back on track. I went to sleep last night with the conviction of making my lessons the most important activity.

My lesson today is 66, my happiness and function are one. The first paragraph of the lesson says, "You have surely noticed an emphasis throughout our recent lessons on the connection between fulfilling your function and achieving happiness. This is because you do not really see the connection. Yet there is more than just a connection between them; they are the same. Their forms are different, but their content is completely one."

A few minutes ago I was chatting with a very good, best friend. We have been consistent companions on our spiritual journey. We've been physically out of touch on occasions, but when we do get back in touch it's like we never left each other. We've been roommates in the past, we entered a spiritual organization at the same time, became very involved and then without discussion with each other, decided to leave at the same time. I remember telling her once, if we were the opposite sexes this lifetime, I'm sure we would be married. It's like an Oprah and Gayle thing.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, so I was chatting with her on Gmail. We were catching each other up on what's going on in our lives. One of the things I said to her, I just couldn't believe it came from me. It was exactly what the lesson for today is all about, my happiness and function are one. I said to her, "I'm learning that when I decide that what is most important is what God wills for me I find I end up in the right place doing what I love and what makes me happy and really it seems effortless." She responded saying, "when you are in alignment with your heart and with love then everything goes well and happy things happen." And then she said, "really we're saying the same thing."

Exactly, your "heart" and love are of God. So, I got it! When I realize my only function is the one God gave me, "happy things happen." My function and happiness are one! It doesn't really matter what the form of the happiness is. This is what I'm learning. In whatever I'm doing as long as I shine my light, and share my love and joy then I'm fulfilling my function and I'm happy. It's not the form that matters so much as the function.

The past couple of lessons have been instructing me to set aside a specific time for God. Right now, I don't have anything I need to do at a certain time, so mornings work out. I can start the day off right. I hope I can keep that up when I start working.

This morning I dedicated 15 minutes to God in considering the ideas of the lesson. Part of my practice period I was to, "think of the many ways in which you tried to find salvation under the ego's guidance. Did you find it? Were you happy? Did they bring you peace? We need great honesty today."

I was able to come up with several ways I've tried to find happiness under the ego's guidance. I basically started at the beginning. The first time I was unhappy or thought maybe there is something wrong with me, I was in 6th grade. I realized I wasn't like the other girls in my class. I didn't care about shaving my legs or boys or fashion. I was a late bloomer and small for my age so I looked a couple of years younger than the other girls. I still just wanted to play. I enjoyed playing sports. I liked boys, but only because they still liked to play.

I didn't care much that I was different until the following year. It must have been the hormones. My parents couldn't afford designer clothes and I went to a middle school that a lot of well-to-do families sent their kids to. I was teased relentlessly. So I became withdrawn and shy. Now I thought for sure there was something wrong with me and I was unlikable and unlovable.

There was a conflict going on within me. I didn't like those girls who teased me. I didn't like how they acted. They were so superficial. I still didn't care much for fashion or poofing up my bangs, but I wanted to be liked and have friends.

I was depressed for two years and didn't want to go to school. My mom even had me in therapy. I was soooo miserable. Determining my level of happiness by the approval of other people is one way that I've tried to find salvation under the ego's guidance. My ego was telling me, "if people don't think your cool, then you no friends and you have nothing."

By 9th grade I was fed up. I was in high school now and I was determined to be "cool" even if it meant sacrificing my own morals. But, I still wasn't happy. I went right along with the other kids in making fun of "nerds" and "geeks" even though on the inside I was cringing. I started having nightmares every night. One of my reoccurring nightmares was trying to save the world from Satan. I would dream that I was having battles with the devil on a hill top. It was so frustrating, the devil always seemed more powerful in my dreams. I was having trouble going to sleep because of all the nightmares. I prayed to God for those nightmares to end.

One night those nightmares ended with this dream:

I was sitting up in my bed and there was a minister standing in my room in front of the window. There was a podium in front of him with a huge Bible on it. There was a raging thunderstorm with high winds and the window was open. There were lit candles in front of the window and I don't know how they managed to stay lit. The wind was blowing the pages of the Bible so violently I expected they would rip right out and fly out the window. The minister raised his hands to the sky and yelled, "Psalms 3!", the thunder cracked and lightening or fire shot out the ends of his fingers. I can still remember vividly, the few hairs he had on top of his head wisping in the wind. This happened a couple more times and then everything fell silent and went dark. Then a women appeared through my bedroom door and said that everything will be okay now and I can go back to sleep and have pleasant dreams. It was as if she came to console me and reassure me.

As soon as I woke up in the morning I rushed to my Bible to read Psalms 3. Here's what it says, "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. I laid me down and slept; I awakened; for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou has smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people."

At the age of 14, this experience gave me much comfort. I realized God really does hear my prayers and He is telling me I have nothing to fear because He gives me strength.

I decided to write about this experience in light of my lesson today. Recently I am facing the same challenges I did when I was a teenager. The form is different though. I realized in my practice period today that I have substituted the Love of God for many things. I thought I would find happiness if people liked me or approved of me. I've tried finding happiness in relationships or thinking that surely I could find happiness by getting married and having a family. Or, that financial security or getting my college degree would bring me happiness. In each one of these instances I have found disappointment and ended up angry at God. This sounds funny to me as I write this because God didn't make me unhappy it was me seeking happiness in everything but God.

I've notice that I'm still looking outside of myself and God for happiness and I've found myself angry with God a few times in the last couple of weeks. I've thought, "if you want me to be happy then why aren't I!"

A few nights ago, the night before I got sick, I had the "battle with the devil" dream again. I hadn't had that dream since I was 14! And like back then, I became frustrated because the devil seemed more powerful. When I woke up I knew I wasn't happy because I hadn't been caring so much for my lessons. I felt like I was failing. I read Psalms 3 again.

It wasn't until this morning that I really figured out what this all means. It was when I was spending my time with God that I figured it out. I then read my lesson again. It said something that really made sense out of what I've been experiencing and the devil dream and Psalms 3.

After the first paragraph in my lesson says, "The ego does constant battle with the Holy Spririt on the fundamental question of what your function is. So does it do constant battle with the Holy Spirit about what your happiness is. It is not a two-way battle. The ego attacks and the Holy Spirit does not respond. He knows what your function is. He knows that it is your happiness.

Today we will try to go past this wholly meaningless battle and arrive at the truth about your function."

My battle with the devil dream shows me how meaningless it is to battle with the ego. Later in the lesson it says, "We will not indulge the ego by listening to its attacks on truth."

What I had been doing was indulging the ego. That was what my whole thought of "if God wants me to be happy then why aren't I." Last night I thought before I went to sleep that I am determined to find out what truth is no matter how I feel. If I'm not happy it's not God's fault. It just means that I have not seen the truth. Then today in the lesson I read after the ego indulgent part, "We will merely be glad that we can find out what truth is." Isn't that amazing! It seems Jesus knows exactly what I will experience with these lessons and what questions, thoughts and feelings may arise.

So Psalms 3 is telling me to give up my illusions of being a victim(the things that trouble me and that are against me) and go to God. God is the strength in which I trust and there is nothing to fear (the Lord is a shield for me). All I need to do is ask and God will answer. His love will sustain me and my illusions will melt away into nothingness from where they came (He will smite my enemies). The Holy Spirit will replace my fear with love. "Thy salvation belongeth unto the Lord." Salvation is found in God and nothing else. My happiness and function are one, because God has given me both.

Thoughts About Forgiveness

2008-05-12T09:15:00.006-05:00

The light of the world brings peace to every mind through my forgiveness. This is my lesson today, lesson 63. What this says to me is that if I want world peace all I need to do is forgive. That is so amazing and simple to me and it makes sense. What I read in the text today after I read the lesson was so perfect. I've noticed, though, that it always is. I've always found that no matter what I read in the text of A Course in Miracles it offers much insight for whatever lesson I may be practicing for the day.

For, instance, Chapter 15, "The Holy Instant", says that truth is always simple and that it's only ego ideas that are complex. I used to think that forgiveness was complex. The truth is I didn't really understand what forgiveness is. I thought, that basically by forgiving, I was condoning what someone did and letting it be okay that they did that thing.

Then I started to think that forgiveness was putting yourself in another person's shoes. Thinking, "oh, this isn't about me, they must just be having a bad day, or, this isn't about me they are just not happy with themselves." But what I realized with this idea of forgiveness was, that justifying someone's behavior didn't take away the hurt that I felt. What they did or said still hurt my feelings.

Now I understand that the point in time that I felt hurt by someone was in the past. It is not happening right now. Even the instant that someone does something hurtful, the next instant I can let it go. The thing is, when it comes to another human being's negative thoughts and feelings or words about me, I don't even need to let it hurt me anymore so then there is no need to forgive in the first place. I am understanding more and more each day that there is nothing wrong with who I really am, which is spirit.

As far as forgiving people that have hurt me in the past, I have done that. I have let go of any negative thoughts I have about that person, because it wasn't the person, it was their actions and ego reactions. Further, I have let go of the negative ideas I have created about myself in association with that past hurt. I do not want to bring the past into the present any longer. Why would I want to continue to have the same unpleasant experience over an over again for the rest of my life?

Besides, most of the people I have felt a need to forgive are not even in my life anymore. I was the one who continued to let that situation from the past to continue to affect me. It's crazy! That person is no longer doing anything to me anymore. I'm doing it to myself.

So, ultimately it is myself that I need to forgive. After reading the lesson today, I was wondering why I still feel sad, annoyed, angry, etc. I thought, "I can't think of anyone else that I need to forgive." As soon as I thought that, I became aware of the fact that I'm sitting there smoking a cigarette. Yes, I admit it, I smoke cigarettes. Isn't the first step admitting that I have a problem?

Wow! I feel so guilty about smoking. I think it's a disgusting habit and a lot of the time I think I'm a horrible person for doing it. "Why do I smoke," I ask. "For comfort," I say. Why would I need cigarettes to make me comfortable, when God is always with me. Well, I don't always think God is always with me. I still think I'm flawed often even though I've made great strides over the last few months. And I don't always think deserve peace, love and contentment of a divine nature.

One of my former spiritual teacher's and now one of my best friend's and I like to use the term mentor, Sheila, told me she thinks I smoke because I feel unloved. She's right about that. But it's not because someone told me I'm not lovable and there's no one in my life right now that is not loving to me. I don't love myself. I'm doing this to myself.

The second sentence of my lesson today says, "I am the means God has appointed for the salvation of the world." It says, "I am". So, it's not others I need to forgive, it is myself. Besides, are minds are connected so it would make sense that when I forgive someone I also forgive myself. When I forgive myself, I forgive the world!

Speaking of salvation, chapter 15, "The Holy Instant", says , "Every allegiance to a plan of salvation apart from Him (God) diminishes the value of His Will for you in your own mind. And yet it is your mind that is the host to him. Would you learn how perfect and immaculate is the holy alter on which your Father has placed Himself? This you will recognize in the holy instant , in which you have been willing to meet its conditions. You can claim the holy instant any time and anywhere you want it. "

Jesus says, in chapter 15, that my mind not need be completely pure to claim the holy instant but that I need to be willing to give up my impure thoughts. Jesus says, "You could live forever in the holy instant, beginning now and reaching to eternity, but for a very simple reason. Do not obscure the simplicity of this reason, for if you do, it will be only because you prefer not to recognize it and not to let it go. The simple reason, simply stated, is this: The holy instant is a time in which you receive and give perfect communication. This means, however, that it is a time in which your mind is open, both to receive and give. It is the recognition that all minds are in communication. It therefore seeks to change nothing, but merely to accept everything."

So what this is saying is that to have perfect communication with God, which would mean to bring peace to every mind, is that I have nothing to hide. I am willing to let go of all of my false thoughts about myself and others and the world. Jesus says also in this section that every thought I would hide cuts me off from perfect communication. That even though the Holy Spirit is always ready to share in perfect communication, if I think I can keep any of my thoughts hidden then I'm not ready to share in perfect communication.

But really it seems so simple to have perfect communication and to claim the holy instant. Just be totally willing to both give and receive. Be willing to give everything and receive everything. To have my mind totally open. I am willing to have no private thoughts. The last paragraph of this section says, "For what you would hide is hidden from you. In your practice then, try only to be vigilant against deception, and seek not to protect the thoughts you would keep to yourself. Let the Holy Spirit's purity shine them away, and bring all your awareness to the readiness for purity He offers you. Thus will He make you ready to acknowledge that you are host to God, and hostage to no one and to nothing."

So I admit to the Holy Spirit, I do have a problem. I have impure and negative thoughts about myself, but I'm willing to give them up so my thoughts may become pure and I can take my place in the salvation of the world.

This section of the text also talks about Christmas as the celebration of the birth of holiness into the world. It says, "It is beyond all your littleness to give the gift of God, but not beyond you. For God would give Himself through you."

I love Christmas time. Why not make every moment Christmas time? Most people during the one day of the year we celebrate Christmas set aside their grievances to give gifts and spend time with family. Even my Step-dad who is full of grievances, sets them aside so the family may have a joyous day. I have to say, I love my Step-dad dearly. He never once made me feel unloved or any different than his biological daughter. But, that man has more grievances than anyone I know, nearly everyday there is a new one. Somehow he manages to forget them one day out the year.

So lets set aside all of our grievances and give the gift of God and allow God to give of himself through us. We can celebrate the holiness of each and every one of us so Christmas can be everyday. In lesson 63, Jesus says we are holy. "How holy are you who have the power to bring peace to every mind! How blessed are you who can learn to recognize the means for letting this be done through you! What purpose could you have that would bring you greater happiness?"

What other purpose would bring me greater happiness? I can't think of anything else. When I have a grievance I am unhappy and it is such a burden. When I let it all go, what a weight is lifted off! Forgiveness is the means to bring about peace.

A Brand New Day

2008-05-06T08:08:00.004-05:00

Here is an email I wrote Lisa Natoli from www.gorgeousforgod.com. This is something I would share in my blog as well, (really I share most things in my blog), so rather than writing it twice I'll just post the email.

What a day and a half! I've gone from light to darkness and to light in a matter of about 24 hours. I just had to tell you about it.

Last night, for no particular reason, I was in love. I just had this feeling of new love. Like when you fall in love with someone and your on cloud 9. The best way to describe it was a lovely peacefulness. Then this morning, for no particular reason, I woke up feeling pretty apathetic. Didn't have a reason to get out of bed. When I did get up, I found out one of Fiance's 20 something cousins died in his sleep. He was fine, then dead. Very puzzling. Later we were told it was a massive heart attack. And then to add to this horrible start to the day Fiance's brother was admitted to the hospital. They finally figured out what was wrong and he will be okay.

I was really trying to see things differently. I picked up A Course in Miracles, but it was just words. I didn't feel any better. I was in a major funk. I read your blog hoping it would help me. And it did! You have a way of putting things into perspective. For Lesson 57 you said that things may get uncomfortable because new emotional responses might be coming to the surface. You quoted chapter 1 which says "Lack implies that you would be better off in a state different than the one you are in." And then you said, "All that is needed is acceptance of where you are RIGHT NOW. Once acceptance is established, the Power of God will lift and transport you to wherever you need to go." So, instead of repressing it and remaining calm and cool on the exterior, I just let the unpleasant feelings and emotions rise to the surface and just let it be.

I realized when I read your blog and observed my thoughts and feelings that I'm always thinking that I should be where I'm not. That I should be better. That I shouldn't be upset or in a bad mood and I wonder what is wrong with me. So, I just accepted where I was in the moment. I stopped beating myself up.

Later I thought, what am I to do with all this sickness and death going on around me? I wondered why this was all happening at once. I was trying to realize that sickness and death is all an illusion, but I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I was feeling sad for my Fiance's family and his uncle and his cousin's brother. I felt for my Fiance and his Mom worrying about his brother in the hospital. Sickness and death is very real when your so close to it and immersed within it.

I was thinking, I just don't get it. That this world is an illusion. It was an interesting idea to think of, but it wasn't my reality. I speak in past tense here because it has become clear to me and I am totally FREAKING OUT, but in a good way.

Earlier today while I was doing laundry, to past the time I decided to go to the Miracle Times website. I come across the Master Teacher videos and decided to watch the one on Resurrection. There wasn't a specific thing that he said in the video that really made the idea of the world being an illusion make sense to me. The video was quite an experience. The Master Teacher might as well have been sitting face to face with me speaking directly to me because that is exactly how I felt. I could see the pieces of the puzzle coming together to finally reveal the truth to me.

He was talking about the book A New Earth in the beginning and Tolle's experience of going into a void but the void was within him. Then the Master Teacher talking about being resurrected and about losing your body for a moment. I thought, I've been resurrected! That whole experience on my 22nd birthday, when I fell within myself and into a void and was told really everything but can only remember the essence of the experience. After that experience my life totally changed. I had new friends in a new environment and new opportunities. My physical appearance even changed. It was like a resurrection. And I've had more than one resurrection. It's when I decide to choose something different and my whole world changes. I realized that I can just choose to see differently and to be different. That really this physical form and physical world is not solid at all but very fluid. I really, really understand now that all I have to do is change my mind to change the world. The world is just a light projection of ourselves, a hologram.

Have you ever heard of the online virtual world called Second Life? You go into this virtual world on the internet, create your body, your identity and give yourself a name. Then you can purchase land and build whatever you want. You can make business contacts and go to lectures and meetings with multiple people. You can buy and sell physical objects and services as well as virtual things.

That is what this world, the universe, we live in is like! We created this fun virtual world to play in but for some reason became so engrossed in playing the game and creating the game that we started to think we were the game and then everything went to hell. It's like the Matrix too. All we need to do is press the delete button or pull the plug.

I just want to hold on to this awareness. I don't want to forget, that all I need to do is ask or just change my mind. I can escape from the world I see! I believe it!!!

It was funny what came into my mind when I had this awareness. I thought of the movie Vanilla Sky when Tom Cruise's character realizes he's just been dreaming and nothing he had been experiencing was real and he runs down the hall yelling, "TECH SUPPORT!!!!, It's a NIGHTMARE!!!" I can totally relate.

What a breath of fresh air this awareness is! I just had to tell you about it. Thank you for helping me accept myself for who I am and where I am.

Love,
CC

The other thing that I'm learning is that as long as people still believe the illusion of this world is reality, or in other words, as long as people believe this physical universe is their true home, we can not escape from the world of illusion entirely.

Our minds are connected, are one with each other and with God, and we can't be completely in two places at once. We can become enlightened individually (knowing are oneness with God) but we will still be tied to this world, because we are connected to are brother's who are still entrapped in this world. But I think the more people who free their minds from the bondage of the physical world, the faster humanity will progress.

Anytime I doubt this is possible, I remember, if God is perfect and love and he created us in his likeness than we must be perfect and love. It's all about remembering who I really am as God created me. Not who I am as I created myself. It's about meeting myself again and knowing myself.

In the Introduction of A Course in Miracles it says, "The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite."

Our blocks to the awareness of love's presence is the illusion of this world and our own perceptions of it. We see sickness, death, hunger, violence, war and hatred all around us so no wonder we are not aware of love's presence. However, if we can remove the perception that these horrible things make up our existence and who we are, then love, which is our true existence will reveal itself.

This world of pain and suffering is not "it" for us. Bodies can die and can be hurt, but we live on. Our spirit continues to exist for eternity. We exist within the mind of God. When that is realized the world of pain will cease to exist.

Jesus came to Earth in a body 2,000 years ago to tell us this. The thing is though, he is still here. His body died 2,000 years ago, but he was resurrected. He is here to help us anytime we call on him and ask.

So, everybody say it with me now, "TECH SUPPORT, IT'S A NIGHTMARE!!!" (From the movie Vanilla Sky, I've seen it like a gazillion times). Ha, ha, ha!

An Experiment for Truth Continues... Indefinitly

2008-05-03T09:42:00.003-05:00

My experiment yesterday of being in the moment with a still mind throughout the day was a process of realizing I wasn't in the moment and my mind was racing and then bringing my attention back to seeing what is really taking place in the moment. It was an enlightening experience.

This experiment really brought to my awareness the effects of my thoughts. One of my review lessons today is "I have no neutral thoughts". These are the related comments to the idea of the lesson:

"Neutral thoughts are impossible because all thoughts have power. They will either make a false world or lead me to the real one. But thoughts cannot be without effects. As the world I see arises from my thinking errors, so will the real world rise before my eyes as I let my errors be corrected. My thoughts cannot be neither true nor false. They must be one or the other. What I see shows me which they are."

I need to back up a little to explain what was going on in my life yesterday. So, I've been getting to know a woman who is interested in hiring me to be her nanny/personal assistant/keeper of the schedules of the household/member along with my Fiance of an intentional community she wants to create. Yesterday, I met her husband and oldest son, which was the last step in the process. I'm pretty confident and certain that the position is ours. She's never come right out and said, "you're hired", but we've discussed when we will be moving in. And after meeting her husband, we babysat her children while they went out for a few hours.

Getting to know, and caring for, her children was where I could really see the effects of my thoughts or quiet mind. At the times I expected certain negative behaviors from the children or was uncertain with what to do, I directly saw the behavior I expected and the effects of my uncertainty. If I was a push-over, they would push me over.

When I finally came to the present, it was effortless. I would say, "put your jammies on" and they would. Before when I asked, "will you put your jammies on?" already expecting they are not going to want to go to bed - of course they would resist. I expected they wouldn't want to go to be because of experiences I've had with other children in the past who didn't want to go to bed. I was making the children I'm with in the present the same as the ones in the past. What I noticed when I brought my attention to the present, these children were sleepy and needed to go to bed.

My mind changed immediately, in the moment. What had to be done, had to be now, not later or if they want to. When I said, "time for stories, the sun has gone down" they got in bed for stories. One even said as soon as she laid down and got comfortable, "I'm already feeling sleepy." After a few books, I said "okay, I'm going to turn out the lights now so you can sleep." No wining, no arguing. I turned out the light and they went to sleep.

What I saw with my experiment yesterday is that the children directly experienced the effects of my thoughts. Another one of my review lessons is lesson 19. "I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts. I am alone in nothing. Everything I think or say or do teaches all the universe. A Son of God cannot think or speak or act in vain. He cannot be alone in anything. It is therefore in my power to change every mind along with mine, for mine is the power of God."

So, do I want to teach passivity, uncertainty or weakness. I know now, when I am uncertain and think I am weak, it wastes a lot of time and energy. Nothing is accomplished. I want to teach certainty, love, peace and joy and I'm noticing those are only in the mind which is present.

This experience was so positive for me. I'm going to continue to be mindful of where my mind is. A Course in Miracles says something like your real thoughts are those you think with God. I want to think with God, so I need to clear space in my mind to hear the thoughts of God. Right now, there are so many unnecessary thoughts in my mind. Much of the time the atmosphere of my mind is like a packed bar with a live band and twenty different conversations going on around me. I know though, that my mind can be quiet and full of the Peace of God. I have experienced moments of it, but I would like to stretch those moments out to eternity.

Eternity is only in the present moment. Reality is only in the present moment. The past and future do not exist.

Which brings me to the review of lesson 20: "I am determined to see. Recognizing the shared nature of my thoughts, I am determined to see. I would look upon the witnesses that show me the thinking of the world has been changed. I would behold the proof that what has been done through me has enabled love to replace fear, laughter to replace tears, and abundance to replace loss. I would look upon the real world, and let it teach me that my will and the Will of God are one."

An Experiment for Truth

2008-05-02T09:30:00.008-05:00

Okay, I get it now. I don't know anything.

I've been on the review lessons of A Course in Miracles for three days now and last night I read chapter 14, "Teaching For Truth." It's all becoming clear to me. I really don't know anything! What I see, think and feel is not reality so it doesn't mean anything and so it is nothing. This is because my thoughts are from the past which I'm bringing into the present which, as a result, I judge what I see based on what has happened in the past, so my feelings about what I see or experience are from the past as well. The past does not exist so what I see is not really what is there, because I'm seeing the past, which doesn't exist.

I could keep going in a circle with this thought all day, but I won't. So, my attention is never truly in the present. My attention is either in the past, worrying about the future or somewhere in Never Never Land.

You would think I would be all depressed over this, (which I kind of had my ups and downs when I originally did these lessons) but I'm not. This is what I read in Chapter 14 last night:

"Those who remember always that they know nothing, and who have become willing to learn everything, will learn it. But whenever they trust themselves, they will not learn. They have destroyed their motivation for learning by thinking they already know. Think not you understand anything until you pass the test of perfect peace, for peace and understanding go together and never can be found alone. (This is the test of perfect peace, found earlier in the section, "If you are wholly free of fear of any kind, and if all those who meet or even think of you share in your perfect peace, then you can be sure that you have learned God's lesson, and not your own." Yeah... I haven't passed that test... yet.) Each brings the other with it, for it is the law of God they be not separate. They are cause and effect, each to the other, so where one is absent the other cannot be."

Jesus says in the Bible to be like children. In Matthew, chapter 18 it says that the disciples asked Jesus, "Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?" Jesus called a child to him and said to the disciples, "I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as to little children, ye shall not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. Whosoever, therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."

This is why I'm not depressed, because I'm realizing that I don't know anything. I am more than happy and entirely willing to learn everything, so Jesus says I will learn it. If you have been around children you know they ask a lot of questions and they are not afraid to ask. They ask because they don't know and they aren't ashamed to not know. They learn very quickly at an early age because they don't have their egos holding them back. They want to know everything. Period. And Jesus says this is how to enter the "Kingdom of Heaven" - be like a child, realizing you know nothing and become willing to learn everything.

So I've come to the conclusion that what is true and real is "NOW", the present moment, and what is eternal, unchanging and everlasting which is found in the present. The present is all that is real.

This is what I'm going to do. This is my little experiment for today. Today, all day and as often as I remember, I will have my attention in the moment with my mind still. I will go through my day as if I started watching a movie in the middle that I've never seen before and don't know anything about. I don't know what's going on and I don't know what to expect. I don't know who the people are or what they're doing, going to do or what they're thinking or what they might say. I'm not going to try to figure things out. I'm just going to watch and see and be.

Like a little child, everything will be exciting and new.

This is going to be great because I'm meeting someone new today. I usually get really nervous about meeting people, because I bring the past with me. Some thought or feeling from the past of an unpleasant meeting with someone new. Today, I won't do that.

I've actually already started this experiment today. I took my sweet, little Beagle to the backyard to play. I sat down and just watched and listened. It was funny as soon as I brought my attention to the present, the clouds parted to let the sun shine. I thought, "let there be light!" Then I laughed to myself and then I thought, "I'm not supposed to be thinking." Ooooh. This is going to be harder than I thought. I brought my attention back to the moment and all the sounds of nature got louder. Everything became crisp. Kind of like those allergy medicine commercials, where everything is hazy, but you don't really notice anything was hazy until things become clear.

I'm hoping, that by doing this exercise, I can find the place of peace, contentment, invulnerability and guiltlessness within in me. If even for a moment.

I'll let you know how it goes. I'm not expecting anything though.

I Am Sustained by the Love of God and Other Miracles

2008-04-29T14:48:00.008-05:00

I am sustained by the love of God. That is my lesson today, lesson 50. This is the most disciplined I have ever been. I have done one lesson a day for fifty days, with the exception of lesson 8 when I did it for two days. Whoops. I told Lisa (www.gorgeousforgod.com) about it and asked if that was okay. She told me to read the introduction to the lessons again. I realized it was not okay, so I've done my best to do one lesson a day exactly the way I'm instructed since then. I've been told if I do as the lessons instruct I will see miracles happen on a regular basis. And, I have.

These are the miracles I've seen:

1. Virtually no worry or stress
2. My relationship has improved. We rarely argue anymore. When we do, it's over pretty quickly.
3. I'm happier
4. My anxiety went away. I've been realizing there really is nothing to fear.
5. I've gotten several submissions already for the God stories book.
6. I've just gotten the best job I could've ever asked for. I never would have imagined I could get one job that includes everything I'm interested in and passionate about. But wait, there's more! The job doesn't just benefit myself, but also directly benefits my fiance. And hopefully, I can help many people through this job.
7. I've been understanding more and more the spiritual experiences I've had. Nearly every week I am awakened to the purpose and meaning of these experiences. Not because someone has explained things to me, but because I've found the answers within. I owe this to practicing and applying the lessons of A Course in Miracles.

I've just been having one "Aha" moment after another. Like today, for instance. I've been repeating the idea of todays lesson often, I am sustained by the love of God. My fiance and I were driving back over to his friends house where we are staying right now and I repeated the idea to myself. I looked around and noticed all of these nice cars, the people in the cars, and the nice, big houses we were driving by and I remembered something in the lesson.

It said, "In this world, you believe you are sustained by everything but God. Your faith is placed in the most trivial and insane symbols; pills, money, 'protective' clothing, influence, prestige, being liked, knowing the 'right' people, and an endless list of forms of nothingness that you endow with magical powers."
"All these things are your replacements for the Love of God. All these things are cherished to ensure a body identification. They are songs of praise to the ego. Do not put your faith in the worthless. It will not sustain you."

I felt sad that so many people put so much effort into worthless things that will not sustain them. I was sad that so many people do not know the love of God. At the moment I had those thoughts I remembered a time when I put so much effort into worthless things thinking they would make me happy. There was a time when I didn't know the love of God. Aha!!! Right then, I understood, to the full extent, an experience I had over 10 years ago. It was the defining moment in my life that led me to my spiritual path.

In my late teens and early twenties I experimented with drugs... a lot, and with a lot of drugs. My philosophy then was something like, "life is short so why not experience everything you can". Drugs made me feel "cool" and that I had "cool" friends and we were "different" and "misunderstood". We weren't about to conform to "societies rules and standards". I think, though, ultimately I was looking for the answers to life's big questions.

One day, just before my 22nd birthday, I did some LSD with my boyfriend at the time. We were coming down off the drug and of course depressed and in pain. We had been talking about the universe and physics (the other interest besides drugs we had in common) and I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong. I had a hard time trying to figure out how to put it into words. Finally, I burst out sobbing, "I just want to know!". That's all I told him. Specifically what I meant by that statement was, I want to know if God exists and why I'm here and what's the point. But, I didn't have the energy to say all of that. It was to the point that if I couldn't know the answers to those questions, I didn't want to live anymore. I'm not exaggerating. That was literally how I felt. I still start to feel emotional when I think of that day.

Soon after on my 22nd birthday, I was invited to a party. Let's just say, I did more drugs than I should of and had quite a wake-up call. I went unconscious and had the painful experience of losing everything and everyone I ever loved.

All of these things, "pills, money, 'protective' clothing, influence, prestige, being liked, knowing the 'right' people" I thought sustained me. I thought they were me. That is where the pain came from, thinking all these things were me. Identifying myself with everything that is false. I felt I was losing myself. What I was losing were all of my beloved illusions.

I "cherished" these things and it was painful to lose them. I had used all of these things as a replacements for the Love of God. It was if God was saying, "Wake up! These things mean nothing!" I didn't know who I was so when those things were taken away, I felt I had nothing.

There was quite a lot that happened while I was unconscious, I was shown many things. But ultimately, all I can describe is the essence of the knowledge I was given - All the choices I had ever made in all of eternity are the reason I am here now. I have everything I need, I had more important things to do and it's time to get on with it.

I did "get on with it". Almost immediately. Within two weeks, the things I felt so much pain in losing during my experience, I left. I left it all behind. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing but I knew there was more in store for me.

By my 23rd birthday, within just one year, I had quit doing drugs for good, I had learned to meditate and had received in meditation the answers to those questions, does God exist, why am I here and what's the point. I described that meditation in my post, "Fear, Who Cares". With what I was given in that meditation, I knew without a doubt that God is real, he is Peace, Love and Joy and so am I.

I am sustained by the Love of God. This is such an incredible lesson. Just a moment ago my Fiance told me we might not go back home for awhile. He said with our current financial situation we can afford to pay our rent on our apartment and stay here with friends to save money then go back home, pack up our stuff and move here. Or, we can spend our rent money to go back home and get evicted. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!", I thought. "I want to go home!" What I said was, "let me think about that" and then went inside. But then I remembered, I am sustained by the Love of God. I just read the third paragraph of the lesson and it comforted me.

"Only the Love of God will protect you in all circumstances. It will lift you out of every trial, and raise you high above all the perceived dangers of this world into a climate of perfect peace and safety. It will transport you into a state of mind that nothing can threaten, nothing can disturb, and where nothing can intrude upon the eternal calm of the Son of God."

One of the reasons I want to go home, is because my stuff is there. But as soon as I had that thought I had another thought, "but the stuff doesn't matter." I can get more stuff. In fact, I've already gotten more stuff in the short time we've been away from home. Stuff doesn't sustain me. When has my bookshelf of books or that shirt I wished I packed ever sustained me or kept me alive? Never. I do miss my family, but I'm going to trust we will be guided through this and I'll get to see my family soon. I'll just pay attention to now for now instead of worrying about the future.

So, now I can file away that experience during my 22nd birthday. I understand it now and know what to do with it now. It's all the more reason to create the God stories book. I can share the Love of God with many, many more people through this book. I don't have to be sad to see people putting their effort towards meaningless things. Instead, I can be happy to know that when people read the God stories they will perhaps see that the Love of God is real and always there for them.

(Info on the God stories book is on the side bar on the left of this post towards the top of the page.)

The Little Sunbeam and the Garden = The Answer to my Prayers

2008-04-20T17:25:00.008-05:00

I just read the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my entire life! (I'll get to that in a moment, but first a little background information.) I have been wondering and thinking for quite a while about what it is to give my life to God. What it is to be holy. Fearing that I will lose something, many things, by devoting my life to God. Wondering, what do I have to look forward to?

It's hard to imagine what there is beyond the physical world, where I've lived my entire life, with relatively few glimpses to what is beyond. The memory of those glimpses, no matter how vivid and real they were in the moment, soon became hazy and obscured by the numerous distractions of the ego reactions and being a human body in a physical world. I rely on my body's senses to show me what's going on and who is who and what is what. Everything looks different, sounds different, tastes different... you get the point. Everything is a separate, distinguishable thing going about its own business.

So, it is easy to believe that I, anyone, can be mistreated, unloved, alone, abandoned or unsafe. We think we're bodies! No matter what people say, that they believe they are spirit and when they die they just go to another realm, they don't really believe it. That's why we have war, murder, suicide, disease, every other commercial is for some drug to make you feel better and so on. I know that I have said that I believe I'm Spirit. I've even said I know I'm Spirit, energy, a soul, not a body. Now I've realized that I didn't really believe it, because if I did I would never be sick, feel lonely, depressed, anxious or fearful.

This story I read in A Course in Miracles (I actually read it twice and some parts three times just to make sure it sunk in) spoke directly to my heart. What it was saying could not have been clearer. Rather than to continue wondering and fearing, I asked the Holy Spirit, which is becoming a regular practice for me now, show me the Atonement, show me what I have to look forward to, show me I don't have anything to lose.

So, I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 18, section VII, I Need Do Nothing. I read that section, but didn't quite get it, although doing nothing sounds effortless and is very appealing to me. So I kept reading because I trust the Holy Spirit will give me what I ask for. Section VIII is The Little Garden. I could type every word in this section, because every word spoke to my heart, but I won't. I'll give you the highlights.

"Can you who see yourself within a body know yourself as an idea? Everything you recognize you identify with externals, something outside itself. You cannot even think of God without a body, or some form you think you recognize."

"The body cannot know. And while you limit your awareness to its tiny senses, you will not see the grandeur that surrounds you. (see what I'm talking about, it's a big problem this body identification) God Cannot come into a body, nor can you join Him there. Limits on love will always seem to shut Him out, and keep you apart from Him." This is where it really gets good, "The body is a tiny fence around a little part of a glorious and complete idea. It draws a circle, infinitely small, around a very little segment of Heaven, splintered from the whole, proclaiming that within it is your kingdom, where God can enter not."

"This fragment of your mind is such a tiny part of it that, could you but appreciate the whole, you would see instantly that it is like the smallest sunbeam to the sun, or like the faintest ripple on the surface of the ocean. In its amazing arrogance, this tiny sunbeam has decided it is the sun; the almost imperceptible ripple hails itself as the ocean. Think how alone and frightened is this little thought, this infinitesimal illusion, holding itself apart against the universe. The sun becomes the sunbeams 'enemy' that would devour it, and the ocean terrifies the little ripple and wants to swallow it."

"Yet neither the sun nor ocean is even aware of all this strange and meaningless activity. They merely continue, unaware that they are feared and hated by a tiny segment of themselves. Even that segment is not lost to them, for it could not survive apart from them. And what it thinks it is in no way changes its total dependence on them for its being. Its whole existence still remains in them. Without the sun the sunbeam would be gone, the ripple without the ocean is inconceivable."

I'm starting to understand now what A Course in Miracles in talking about when it says that attack is meaningless and ego thoughts are nothing. It is really silly. It's like a blade of grass hating the lawn or a grain of sand condemning the beach.

It doesn't matter how unworthy I feel or how much in control of my own life I think I am, because I am still dependent on God. I heard a phrase somewhere that goes something like this, whether you believe or do not believe in God doesn't change God. And for that matter who you really are. How could one sunbeam hate another sunbeam if they knew they were both of the sun and the same? This is how to "love ye one another" or "love your brother as yourself".

Okay, here's the part about the little garden:

"Look at the desert - dry and unproductive, scorched and joyless - that makes up your little kingdom. And realize the life and joy that love would bring to it from where it comes, and where it would return with you."

"The Thought of God surrounds your little kingdom, waiting at the barrier you built to come inside and shine upon the barren ground. See how life springs up everywhere! The desert becomes a garden, green and deep and quiet, offering rest to those who lost their way and wander in the dust. Give them a place of refuge, prepared by love for them where once a desert was. And everyone you welcome will bring love with him from Heaven for you. They enter one by one into this holy place, but they will not depart as they had come, alone. The love they brought with them will stay with them, as it will stay with you. And under its beneficence your little garden will expand, and reach out to everyone who thirsts for living water, but has grown too weary to go on alone."

"Go out and find them, for they bring your Self with them. And lead them gently to your quiet garden, and receive their blessing there. So will it grow and stretch across the desert, leaving no lonely little kingdoms locked away from love, and leaving you inside. And you will recognize yourself, and see your little garden gently transformed into the Kingdom of Heaven, with all the Love of its Creator shining upon it."

As I see it, this is a picture of, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be given unto you".

I think this story should end with, "never again did they spin or toil or strive after the wind and they all lived happily ever after with God in the Kingdom of Heaven, Amen".

I am so happy Jesus gave us this story. I feel bigger, since I read this section. I think my spirit is sticking outside of my body a few inches more. I have more love inside of me I guess.

What this section told my heart is I have everything to gain by devoting my life to God. I will have the knowledge of myself as whole and perfect existing within God, happiness, peace, the love of God and the love of everyone in the entire world. Yup, I think that's about everything I could ever want.

Just a bunch of random thoughts.

2008-04-18T10:01:00.005-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately. I haven't had anything to write about. I haven't been "getting" the lessons over the past week.

I want to know God and I want to know myself as God created me. (If anyone is reading this, please bear with me. I don't know where this is going. I'm just trying to figure things out.) Don't get me wrong. Even though I'm not "getting" the lessons, I still love A Course in Miracles. It seems to fit me better than anything else I've tried. I think I read in the Text that there a many, many paths to God and many helpers. I was thinking about this yesterday, because, I was feeling a lot of doubt and hopelessness. Like what if I got it wrong again, what if I'm being tricked again. To remember that there are many paths to God made me feel better.

I then thought of an experience I had while living at the Headquarters of the spiritual organization I used to be involved with. The husband of one of the teachers there had diabetes. He had diabetes since he was a child and when I moved to the Headquarters he was blind and weak, but hadn't lost a bit of his charisma and humor. He was such a pleasure to be around. When I met him, I wondered why he hadn't healed himself. All of this talk and teaching about healing. Why couldn't he heal himself? I'm still not sure why.

A few months after I moved there, he died. A couple of nights or so after he died, I dreamed that he and I were walking in the woods. He was in perfect health and I had never known him in perfect health. There were many paths in the woods and he was telling me, some people take that path, others take that path, and then there is that path. Some go this way and others go that way.

When I woke up, I wasn't sure what the dream was talking about. I still believe that was his spirit visiting me. At the time, I naively thought that I was on the path. So what was he saying about all these other paths? Well, yesterday it became clear to me.

Lisa Natoli, whom I've mentioned before in my blog. She is the author of a blog and book called Gorgeous For God. If you are studying A Course in Miracles, please go to her blog. She teaches the lessons everyday on her blog. Here's the link, www.gorgeousforgod.com

Anyway, in one of the first emails I received from Lisa she said, all paths lead to God. I believe her but I still don't get it totally. I do think there are many paths to God. Really, though, I have always wanted to know God and all that I have done and in all of my searching have led me to where I am now. So, in truth, the spiritual organization I was involved, that even though at times I felt betrayed by, did play a role in getting me where I want to go.

So, where am I now? I'm studying A Course in Miracles and I love it! It is so straightforward. There are no props, statues, costumes or rituals. It does not require me to leave my home or go to church or be involved with an organization. I get to do it in my home or wherever I happen to be with whomever I'm with. And the best part of it all is Jesus is my teacher!

Even though I don't feel like I'm "getting" the lessons right now. I'm still doing it. It says in the first paragraph of the Introduction to the Workbook Lessons, "A theoretical foundation such as the text provides is necessary as a framework to make the exercises in this workbook meaningful. Yet it is doing the exercises that will make the goal of the course possible. An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of this workbook to train your mind to think along the lines the text sets fort."

Then it says towards the end of the introduction, "Some of the ideas the workbook presents you will find hard to believe, and others may seem to be quite startling. This does not matter. You are merely asked to apply the ideas as you are directed to do. You are not asked to judge them at all. You are asked only to use them. It is their use that will give them meaning to you, and will show you that they are true."

"Remember, only this, you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy. But do not allow yourself to make exceptions in applying the ideas the workbook contains, and whatever your reactions to the ideas may be, use them. Nothing more than that is required."

Wow! That's a relief! I don't have to believe the ideas and whatever reactions I might have I can use them. Jesus is the best teacher! And he doesn't mind that I don't yet believe I'm holy, he just wants me to do the exercises. I'm glad I read the introduction again.

I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. I was basically, condemning myself for not believing I'm holy. That's rather ironic. All day long, I experienced anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity. My dream last night showed me, in gory detail, the gruesomeness of attack, using the symbol of an ax murderer.

So, I'm on lesson 39, My holiness is my salvation. Here is what has been my exercise today, "My unloving thoughts about anxiety, fear, doubt and insecurity are keeping me in hell (where there is an ax murderer after me). My holiness is my salvation." The lesson asks, "If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?" then it asks, "do you believe guilt is hell?" Well, first I thought, "definitely". Then I thought, "if I really believe that guilt is hell, then why do I keep myself in hell?" Why don't I just let go of guilt and all unloving thoughts and leap into heaven? I have to conclude that I still think that guilt is my reality and I deserve to be in hell. Why? I don't know, why I think I deserve to be punished, but I do. Hence the reason I don't think I'm holy. The paradox is my holiness is my salvation. Yeah, I still don't get it really. You know, though, I shouldn't worry that I don't "get it" because worry puts me in hell. So, really I don't need to figure it out. I just need to do the lessons and through applying them, let the truth be revealed to me.

There was something I read last night in the Text that helps me have an image of myself as holy and I'm trying to hold that in my mind in the hope that it will make it my reality. In the midst of my turmoil last night. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me to something in the text that can help me understand my holiness. I opened A Course in Miracles to Chapter 24, section V. The Christ in You. I thought, yes, this is it. Christ is holy and Christ is in me. There were a couple of paragraphs in this section that really helped me see myself differently, "Where could your peace arise but from forgiveness? The Christ in you looks only on the truth, and sees no condemnation that could need forgiveness. He is at peace because He sees no sin. Identify with Him, and what has He that you have not? He is your eyes, your ears, your hands, your feet. How gentle are the sights He sees, the sounds He hears. How beautiful His hand that holds His brother's, and how lovingly He walks beside him, showing him what can be seen and heard, and where he will see nothing and there is no sound to hear."

"Christ's hand holds all His brothers in Himself. He gives them vision for their sightless eyes, and sings to them of Heaven, that their ears may hear no more the sound of battle and death. He reaches through them, holding out His hand, that everyone may bless all living things, and see their holiness." I really like this part: "You who would be content with specialness, and seek salvation in a war with love, consider this: The holy Lord of Heaven has Himself come down to you, to offer you your own completion. What is His is your because in your completion is His Own."

I think it was the last paragraph that really hit the nail on the head. "There must be doubt before there can be conflict. And every doubt must be about yourself. Christ has no doubt, and from His certainty His quiet comes. He will exchange His certainty for all your doubts, if you agree that He is One with you, and that this Oneness is endless, timeless, and within your grasp because your hands are His. He is within you, yet He walks beside you and before, leading the way that He must go to find Himself complete. His quietness becomes your certainty. And where is doubt when certainty has come?"

So Christ will exchange His certainty for all my doubts. I just need to agree that He is me. Maybe, that is what my holiness is all about. What I have done with this idea is to imagine that Jesus is holding my hand and leading me to God. Perhaps I will eventually see our oneness and my holiness.

Love Is All You Need

2008-04-12T15:24:00.005-05:00

I'm on vacation right now in Kentucky. It's probably the longest vacation I've ever been on. We are here for 6 weeks. I've been finding it difficult to find time to write, with all the activity and visiting going on. I don't like to have any interruptions when I write, but I think I'm just going to have to deal with it for now.

This week with the lessons in A Course in Miracles I've been trying to see things differently - I'm not a victim of the world I see, I have invented the world I see and there is another way of looking at the world.

These lessons have been challenging for me. It's hard to believe entirely that I invented the world and that I'm not a victim, but I do believe there is another way of looking at the world. I'm trying to identify myself beyond my belief of my littleness. I've realized I've got this "damsel in distress" mentality. "Poor little ol' me. I can't fend for myself." (I say that with a southern belle accent). I quoted one of my three year old students the other day when John told me he wanted my help with yard work. I said, "I can't 'cause I'm little". I told him I liked that excuse.

Enough with the excuses, already! I really I don't want to identify myself anymore as being weak and helpless. Regardless of whether or not I believe the ideas in the lessons I've been experimenting with them and applying them to whatever goes on. I think I would have made a good scientist because I've never been afraid to experiment with something to find out if it works. (I've gotten a lot smarter over the years about what I experiment with since I was in college)

I had a very good opportunity yesterday to try out "I'm not a victim" and "I invented the world I see". My fiance was annoyed with me because he didn't think I was getting ready fast enough and he was getting impatient. He also had been sick. So, he was especially sensitive. I got frustrated with him and said something, not mean, but also not out of love and that really set him off. I didn't think what I said justified his response, but what could I do.

I left the room to get myself ready to go. I shut the door and paused to read some of the text in A Course in Miracles. What I read was so perfect to what was going on. While I was reading with the door closed he continued to vent his frustrations while pacing through the house getting things together. I was reading Chapter 12, part I called "The Judgement of the Holy Spirit". Here's what it says "Understand that you do not respond to anything directly, but to your interpretation of it. Your interpretation thus becomes the justification for the response. That is why analyzing the motives of others is hazardous to you. If you decide that someone is really trying to attack you or desert you or enslave you, you will respond as if he had actually done so, having made his error real to you. To interpret error is to give it power, and having done this you will overlook truth."

Meanwhile, my fiance is still ranting and raving. I'm thinking, "yeah, when I responded to his frustration with my own frustration I was feeling that I was being attacked and the situation was very real to me. But then I thought, "I'm not a victim because I invented this situation as I see it".

I kept reading, my fiance is still projecting anger all over the place. "There is but one interpretation of motivation that makes any sense. And because it is the Holy Spirit's judgment it requires no effort at all on your part. Every loving thought is true. Everything else is an appeal for healing and help, regardless of the form it takes. Can anyone be justified in responding with anger to a brother's plea for help? No response can be appropriate except the willingness to give it to him, for this and only this is what he is asking for. Offer him anything else, and you are assuming the right to attack his reality by interpreting it as you see it."

I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with this situation. I realized that he was frustrated with me because he needs help and I'm not giving it to him. I started thinking loving thoughts about him, the things I appreciate about him and how grateful I am to have him in my life, what I love about him, etc. I started to look at the situation differently. I realized when he was asking for help, I blew him off. Sure, the words he said sounded harsher than the words I used but regardless, neither one of us said loving words.

I thought, "I can end this right now, because I can take complete responsibility for it". I didn't even have to tell him this. I just did it. Then my fiance, right after saying something angry, asks in a neutral tone, "are my shoes in there?" Now because I had been thinking loving thoughts about him and took responsibility for the whole fiasco, I responded with love, "no, Baby, I don't see them in here".

And that was it! That was the end of the argument. I immediately started helping him get things together. Later, I gave him a hug and kiss and told him I love him and asked him if he still thought he had a fever. I just needed to show that I care and give love. We had no more conflicts for the rest of the day.

This love thing really works. All day today, at the first sign of any conflict, I've been saying, "there is another way of looking at this". Instead of attacking right back, I offer help. I look at the situation and think of what kind of help can I give. It has worked every time.

This is beautiful

2008-04-07T12:09:00.005-05:00

I also read this today in Chapter 11 of ACIM:

"O my child, if you knew what God wills for you, your joy would be complete! And what He wills has happened, for it was always true. When the light comes and you have said, 'God's Will is mine,' you will see such beauty that you will know it is not of you. Out of your joy you will create beauty in His Name, for your joy could no more be contained than His. The bleak little world will vanish into nothingness, and your heart will be so filled with joy that it will leap into Heaven, and into the Presence of God. I cannot tell you what this will be like, for your heart is not ready. Yet I can tell you, and remind you often, that what God wills for Himself He wills for you, and what He wills for you is yours."

Above All Else...

2008-04-07T10:40:00.005-05:00

Above all else I want to see things differently. I really do. I think I've had plenty of proof to know that alone I can't accomplish peace, love and joy. And that every time I've asked God for help, peace, love and joy is what I've received. All I've experienced when I listen to my ego is disappointment and condemnation. "I can't do anything right, I never finish anything, I'm a failure and why have I always been poor and other people are rich, what have I done to deserve this?" My ego answers that I'm flawed, that I'm not good enough, that I've made horrible mistakes in my life that I can't change, that God is punishing me.

When I allow myself to be guided by God, not only do I feel differently but people see me differently. At these times, people that I have just met will say amazing and surprising things to me. These are real words, the best I can recall, that virtual strangers have said to me when I've been at my best: "There's just something special about you. You know, you meet people sometimes that you just feel a connection to." and "Are you a Christian, do you believe in God? I hope you don't mind me asking but there is just a certain light in your eyes."

Sometimes it's not words that I notice but that people are drawn to me, like they will go out of their way to talk to me. Complete strangers! It couldn't be more obvious at these times that God brought us together because there is something to learn. But, in A Course in Miracles it says there are no chance meetings. I am working on being aware that with every person I meet and everyone I'm around there is a chance to learn. Above all else, I want to see things differently.

I know I can because I have briefly before. I wrote in my post "Fear, Who Cares", about an experience that I had while meditating when I told God I wanted to know Him, myself, peace, love and joy. God answered my prayer right then and there. A couple of years later before meditating I prayed to God that I really needed his help because I had forgotten for a time what he had showed me. I hadn't forgotten the experience but I had forgotten that brief awareness that I am part of God and I am peace, love and joy. So, he showed me again. It wasn't as intense as the first meditation when God visited, but the experience was sustained through out most of day. When I was with God and felt the oneness with God, I experienced a particular feeling or vibration of the knowledge of the interconnectedness all of us have with everyone and all things.

If this doesn't make much since, I apologize. It just so hard to put into words. It's an experience beyond the world of words. Anyway, the rest of the day everything I touched, everyone and everything I saw, I could feel that vibration of divine creation and see the light of creation. It was like God's fingerprints were all over everything.

A Course in Miracles is more eloquent in describing what I experienced: "In many only the spark remains, for the Great Rays are obscured. Yet God has kept the spark alive so that the Rays can never be completely forgotten. If you but see the little spark you will learn of the greater light, for the Rays are there unseen. Perceiving the spark will heal, but knowing the light will create. Yet the separation was a descent from magnitude to littleness. But the spark is still as pure as the Great Light, because it is the remaining call of creation. Put all your faith in it, and God Himself will answer you."

I read this today along with my lesson. Both reminded me that I can and I will see things differently. In today's lesson, "Above all else, I want to see things differently", I read: "You see a lot of separate things about you, which really means you are not seeing at all. You either see or not. When you have seen one thing differently, you will see all things differently. The light you will see in any one of them is the same light you will see in them all." Further down the lesson it says, "You could, in fact, gain vision from just that table, if you would withdraw all your own ideas from it, and look upon it with a completely open mind. It has something to show you; something beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope. Hidden under all your ideas about it is its real purpose, the purpose it shares with all the universe."

So, this is my goal, from here on out. I want to give gifts that are worthy of God. What is a more worthy gift than seeing others for who they really are as God created them? I believe by doing this I will stop condemning myself and listening to my ego. If I see the "spark of light" in everyone else how can I not see it in myself? I'm going to try to only see the truth. I'm going to try to believe in only the truth and to look past negativity and let it go. Give negativity all the meaning it has for me, which it has no meaning not being created by God.

I want to give my attention to only what is "beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope" , in everyone and every situation.

I Can Escape From the World I See

2008-04-02T20:21:00.005-05:00

I'm on lesson 23, I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts. I just figured something out and had to write about it. Each time today that I've searched my mind for attack thoughts, I was having trouble coming up with attack thoughts. I was trying to think of who I have attacked or who is attacking me and couldn't come up with much. I'm generally a lover and not a fighter.

But just minutes ago, I caught myself thinking that I am stupid. Aha! There's an attack thought. Then more attack thoughts against myself started coming into my mind. I'm attacking myself! This is where much of my fear comes from. I fear meeting new people, answering the phone at work, saying what's on my mind because I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself or people will think I'm stupid or ugly or whatever. I'm afraid people are going to think about me the way I think about myself. I actually think people think I'm stupid!

I thought I'd gotten over the nightmare of middle school, but no, I'm still there. The world I see is middle school, where I'm not cool enough or pretty enough and people think I'm weird and awkward. I sit by myself knowing people are thinking bad thoughts about me.

Now that is insane! I can escape from this world. I don't have to stay trapped there. Middle School sucks! I am soooo over it!

Oh, and there really is no difference between someone attacking me or visa versa or me attacking me, because it hurts just the same. At some point though I decided it was okay to attack myself. But the feeling of sadness I felt when I told myself I'm stupid was vivid and real. When I feel I have attacked, attack someone or myself I cry just the same.

Free at last!

Mission Autism

2008-04-02T16:17:00.011-05:00

Skylar, age 3

I woke up this morning with the thought that God is pleased. I smiled at this thought. I do not recall ever feeling that God is pleased with me. I've gotten into the good habit lately of reading my lesson in A Course in Miracles as soon as I get up. Well, right after I make the coffee. My routine used to be to make coffee and turn on CNN to see what's going on in the world. Now I would rather read my ACIM book than watch tv.

While I was making coffee this morning I was thinking about autism. I have been wanting to teach autistic children since my four year old nephew, Skylar, was diagnosed with it two years ago. My family does not have a history of this disorder so the diagnosis took us all by surprise. Generally speaking, children with autism have trouble with communication and social interaction. When I heard how many children are born with autism, I thought, "there really needs to be something done about this". Autism affects more children than diabetes, leukemia and AIDS combined. When I became aware of the statistics I wondered what the world will be like in twenty years when these children become adults. I wondered what would my nephew's future be like. So, that's when I decided that I was going to dedicate my life to this cause.

After I got my coffee and read my lesson, I thought, "maybe I should turn on CNN just to make sure I'm not missing anything". Moments after I turned the channel to CNN I realized it is Autism Awareness Day and CNN is dedicating the whole day to autism. I had no idea it was Autism Awareness Day, after all I hadn't watched the news in over a week.

In between watching the segments on autism, I read the text in my ACIM book. As I was reading I realized something rather profound. I guess I would call it a revelation rather than a realization. I am not doing these lessons just for myself. I'm doing them for myself and everyone else. I want to know that I am whole, complete and perfect. I want to know peace. So I want to teach those things.

I wrote in my last post that maybe I should dedicate a whole blog to my passion to teach children. Now I'm thinking that this passion is not separate from my spiritual journey. It is a part of my spiritual journey.

Most children with autism have normal if not above normal cognitive abilities. The problem is that they're missing the wiring in their brains necessary to make thoughts into speech. Some of them eventually develop the connections to be able to speak, some do not. They also can be highly sensitive to their environment. It is like they live in a different world than the rest of us do. It is more like they are trapped within their own minds. They can not on their own, as far as I know, come into our world, but we can go into their world and bring them into ours.

I have watched many videos on You Tube that autistic individuals have made. They're thoughts are insightful and poetic. They see the world much differently than we do. In a way, they are interconnected with the energy of their environment.

Today on CNN there was a story of an autistic 19 year old. He has never spoken but his mother taught him to type. She asked him how his day was and he typed, "It was like a floating kangaroo that kept the world invisible". Later the interviewer asked him if he is happy and he wrote that he couldn't say he is happy all the time because happiness is a state of mind. Sometimes he is happy and sometimes he experiences hollowness. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think that's pretty close.

Here is a link to a video called "In My Language", created by an autistic woman. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc It's an amazing video.

For more info on autism this is a very informative site: www.autismspeaks.org

Many autistic children possess astounding talents and abilities They have much to offer the world if they have the proper guidance at an early age. This is what I want to provide. My college education was in graphic design, so I do not yet have the degree I need to formally teach. What I can provide is patience and love and without that, what methods or skills learned in college are useless. I can't afford college right now and I feel that if a degree is needed the opportunity will arise. I do trust that God will provide.

In the text in ACIM I read that the body's function is communication. I want to help these children remove the obstacles that are keeping them from being able to communicate. If I can help them learn to talk, that would be great. If not, I can teach them to write or type or communicate using sign language. If they love music or art I can encourage the development of those abilities. I don't want this world to be deprived of the thoughts of these amazing and beautiful children. I want them to be able to share the gifts God gave them.

Skylar is such a loving boy. He is starting to show some musical talents and interests in electronics. His motor skills are well above average, bordering on astounding. He doesn't speak, but understands and follows directions well. It breaks my heart to see him in pain. You can literally see the frustration on his face when he wants to communicate but can not. Usually he will let out a frustrated scream. Lately he has started biting.

He is learning though and the doctors do believe he will speak. He's learning sign language in school and was so proud to show me he learned how to sign "more". He is also becoming more social. My fiance and I went to his house on Easter. I came in first and Skylar gave me a hug, which he has done many times before. Then John walked in. Normally Skylar doesn't even acknowledge John's existence, but this time he actually hugged John. It was like he finally recognized him after all these years.

Skylar hasn't always been like this. Like many children with autism they developed normally until about 18 month of age. He was such an expressive baby (as you can see in the pictures) and loved to interact with people. Then we noticed he hadn't started speaking and thought he should be. He did say momma, but that was it. The doctors would say that children develop at their on pace and to just give him time. Well, at two he was still not speaking and starting to develop obsessive/compulsive behaviors. That is when he was diagnosed.

It is likely Skylar will turn out to be fine, maybe just a little eccentric. He is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. I believe every child with autism can be reached, if seen as perfect as God created them and not as bodies. I believe through God all things are possible.

"The Will of God is without limit, and all power and glory lie within it. It is boundless in strength and in love and in peace. It has no boundaries because its extension is unlimited, and it encompasses all things because it created all things. You are the Will of God because that is how you were created. Because your Creator creates only like Himself, you are like Him. You are part of Him Who is all power and glory, and are therefore as unlimited as He is."

"Ask and it shall be given you, because it has already been given. Ask for light and learn that you are light. If you want understanding and enlightenment you will learn it, because you decision to learn it is the decision to listen to the Teacher Who knows of light, and can therefore teach it to you."
ACIM Chapter 8, The Journey Back

The Answer to Attack

2008-03-30T10:30:00.008-05:00

Daddy and me.
Halloween 1979

Everything seems to be coming together. I know I'm on track now and it all started with the simple act of following through with the message I received in my meditation: Write a blog to share your spiritual experiences. I don't know if there has been more than one person who has read my blog but that doesn't seem to matter. I started writing about my experiences and I became inspired again. I realized my life had become stagnant and I wanted to have more beautiful experiences. I felt an urgency to bring my life back to God, so I started to do the lessons in A Course in Miracles. First the lessons led me to Lisa who could provide me guidance and the motivation to keep going. The lessons have, in turn, had a profound impact on my consciousness. Now I couldn't feel more ready to give up all of my control over to God. Besides I never really was in control of my life anyway. I know what happens when I try to take control and it has left me feeling a sense of lack. What do I have to lose by putting my faith in God? Nothing. What do I have to gain? I believe everything.

This is what my whole life has been leading up to. I have this very entertaining book called, "The Hidden Truth of Your Name". I don't know how much truth there is to it, if any, but there were some things that did seem to fit. Particularly the Runic interpretation. I really don't know anything about runes though. It says, "She is flexible and broad-minded and keeps voluminous journals of her experiences". I do have many journals. "The Ansuz energy of communication," whatever that is, "in her name gives her writing talent." I don't know how much talent, but I sure love to write. "She is also interested in the advocacy for children." That couldn't be more accurate. I might have to create another blog dedicated to my mission to teach children. "She is spiritually advanced," rather than using those words, I would probably say I have a stronger desire to know truth than some people, "and generous with her time and energy. She has a mission!"

I have felt that I have been on a mission since I was a child. I've always wanted to be helpful and make people happy. I think it was when I was four, I told my mom I wanted to join the circus and be a clown because I wanted to make people laugh. Then there was the time when I was about eight and one of my new friends didn't know about Jesus and had never owned a Bible. So, I went home to get my Bible, took it over to her house and we prayed for Jesus to come into her heart. I was going to a private Christian school at the time and had probably been saved five or six times. I just wanted to make sure it stuck I guess.

I was a very social child and wanted to be friends with everyone, it didn't matter what their age was or how rich or poor or how smart. I remember telling my mom that I don't think of my friends as just kids, that I think they're like adults but with little bodies. Maybe this explains why I had such a great friendship with a mentally disabled man in my neighborhood. All the kids called him Big Mike. He was one of my best friends for quite a while. I don't think I realized he was mentally disabled or that he was even an adult. I asked him one time why his voice was so deep and he told me, "I have a frog in my throat." I thought, "ok, his voice is just hoarse." I think my step dad was trying to explain to me one time that he was an adult and not a child. He told me Big Mike was retarded. I didn't get it though. I said, "Big Mike is not retarded. He's my friend!" How dare he call Big Mike retarded!

I remember wanting to know and understand everything. Some of my favorite books were an encyclopedia for children, this huge dictionary that held volumes of different kinds of dictionaries and my book about volcanoes. I asked so many questions I think I drove my parents crazy. I have a home video of a trip to the zoo when I was eight years old. In one part of the video we were in the polar bear building looking into the tank at the polar bears. I asked my Dad, in my little southern drawl which I've since lost, "Daddy, how deep is that?" I asked him this same question about five times before he finally answered, "pretty deep".

I still want to know and understand everything, but now I've learned to look inward for the truth. Some of my more puzzling spiritual experiences I'm finally understanding what they mean. There was one experience in particular that I never really understood. It was two days after the planes hit the Twin Towers. I felt I needed to do something but I didn't know what I could possibly do being in Missouri at the time without the money to travel to NY to help. So I meditated hoping to get an answer. The answer was, "Go Ye therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I am with you always. Amen." I thought, "how is that supposed to help now? I am teaching and have been for quite awhile. How is that relevant to now?" I was teaching at that time with a spiritual organization. I was teaching people how to use their minds and how to meditate to know God. So, I just understood the answer to mean just keep doing what your doing.

That was sort of what it meant but now I can see the awesome weight of the meaning. I was angry at the attack on the World Trade Center as was everyone. I was fearful, as was everyone. No one could understand why this happened. All of these good people died, for what!?! There had to be some reason for it or why would God let it happen. Well, God didn't make it happen. People made it happen. They had forgotten to love their brother and that we all were created in love by God. Our egos convince us we are separate and we have our own agenda and our agenda is right. Attack happens when there is conflict about what is right, when someone perceives someone else is trying to destroy what is right.

I like how A Course in Miracles puts it, "Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one's own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others. Anger cannot occur unless you believe that you have been attacked, that your attack is justified in return, and that you are in no way responsible for it. Given these three wholly irrational premises, the equally irrational conclusion that a brother is worthy of attack rather than of love must follow. What can be expected from insane premises except an insane conclusion? The way to undo an insane conclusion is to consider the sanity of the premises on which it rests. You cannot be attacked, attack has no justification, and you are reponsible for what you believe." It then says this in a paragraph further down, "Remember always that what you believe you will teach." Here is the message: "Teach only love, for that is what you are."

"Go ye therefore and teach all nations." To teach all nations, the message that is taught must be universal. What is more universal than love? "Baptizing them in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." To be baptized is to wash your sins away. Your sins are all your mis-perceptions, when you have forgotten to love. Love washes your sins away. To know love is to awaken to who you really are as God created you. When we have all re-awakened to who we are there can be no conflict. When there is light, darkness can no longer exist.

I don't want this world or myself to be conflicted. I don't want to see my brothers attacking each other. I don't want to attack or feel attacked any longer. There really is no justification in it. This is way I place my life in God's hands. Only he knows what I need.

The lessons I have done so far in A Course in Miracles are "baptizing" me. I just need to keep telling that little devil on my shoulder, my ego, I'm not going to listen to it anymore. This morning I opened my Bible to Matthew chapter 4. I couldn't have asked for anything more relevant to what I've been going through. It's the part where the devil tempts Jesus. The devil says this can all be yours if you just bow down and worship me. Jesus says, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." I love that response, "Get thee hence, Satan!" Next time my ego tempts me by saying something it says often, "what are you getting yourself into!?!" I will say to it, "Get thee hence, Satan!" and then I will flick it off my shoulder. And then I'll say, "I am only going to do what God wills, because my will is God's Will." I know what I am getting into is way better than anything my ego has ever gotten me into. I'm excited to see what happens next.

A "Chance" to Learn

2008-03-25T08:44:00.004-05:00

I'm back! It's been awhile since I have written because the lessons I've been doing in A Course in Miracles have made me feel like I don't know anything and therefore I didn't have anything to write about. All I knew was that I didn't know anything. And that one sentence would have been a very short and boring post.

My life has been great though lately. I am excited and happy. I haven't been worrying so much about the future and I'm not worried about not worrying about the future, because I feel that it's going to work out just as it should. I read in the Buddha book that there is no reason to worry because if you can do something about a situation then there is no need to worry and if you can't do something about a situation than why even bother worrying. In my lessons, I've been learning these thoughts of worry don't mean anything anyway.

Since I started writing this blog some really great things have happened in my life. I started writing it as a way to get my thoughts and to share my experiences with anyone who may be reading. I really don't have any friends that live around me anymore. It seems that in the past few years I don't make friends as easily. It is not that I'm not a likable person. I meet people all the time and they seem to like me and we get along, but most have turned into acquaintances. I know the reason for this is, I am more picky about who I spend my time with. Most girls my age, especially the unmarried ones enjoy going to bars and clubs. Drinking really doesn't do anything for me anymore and I don't like bar and club environments either. There was a time though that partying was my life. I guess I've grown up in that regard and put those childish toys away.

I want more meaningful relationships. I want to hang out with people that I connect with. I have friends like that but we don't live in the same city anymore, but we talk on the phone and email. I miss them. These kinds of relationships are rare and special. Here is an example of what I am talking about:

I started a job at a brand new furniture/home decor store. When I first started the store hadn't opened yet and myself and the other employees had the task of putting furniture together and setting up the store. This was a huge store, 30,000 sq ft, so in addition to regular employees there were temps as well. I met many people and had many good conversations. There was a girl that I saw often but hadn't talk to her. I had my own preconceived ideas about her based on how she looked. She reminded me of the girls that used to tease me in middle school and high school. She was blond and pretty and looked like she was probably a cheerleader in high school. And her name was Amber! I always think of blond cheerleaders when I hear that name although that is my middle name. Funny, huh. Because of my judgments I didn't go out of my way to talk to her. One day though we both had the same job of taking the tape off the floor that had been used to designate sections of the store. This was a lonely and mundane job until we ended up pulling tape off the floor in the same area.

We started talking and I soon realized she was not one of the girls who used to tease me. She was not an air head cheerleader, although she was bubbly. We were having a great conversation sitting on the floor pulling off tape. We we talking about where we grew up and about our lives. At some point I realized I couldn't tell her about my life and omit the six years that I was involved with a spiritual organization. I thought if I tell her this she is going to think I'm a weirdo. She was wondering what I was holding back. I felt such a connection with her that I told her I was afraid she would judge me if I told her. (Only days ago I had judged her before I ever talked to her.) She promised she wouldn't judge me and I believed her. So, I told her. I told her everything! And she didn't respond with judgment but with curiosity and admiration. Later, I found out she had been telling other people what a cool person I was. If it hadn't had been for that shared task I may have never talked to her and missed out on a great friendship.

She has since moved to another city, but not too far away. I value her friendship a lot. We laugh so much together. She likes me for who I am. I don't have to be anyone else. I can talk to her about anything and I think she knows she can too.

I have other friends like her that live in different states, so I can't experience this special kind of sharing on a regular basis. Also they have busy lives and we rarely have a chance to talk. This is why I started this blog. I also felt I needed someone that could help me sort things out as well. It seems that all of my friends and I are at the same level of understanding ourselves, God and the world, so I also started this blog so that perhaps I may attract someone that could help me. Someone that has figured things out that I haven't or who could inspire me. Maybe a teacher or mentor.

In my first post I wrote that after my meditation, when I received the idea to start a blog to share my spiritual experiences, I randomly opened A Course in Miracles to perhaps affirm this idea. What I read said, "Say to the Holy Spirit only, "Decide for me," and it is done. For His decisions are reflections of what God knows about you, and in this light, error of any kind becomes impossible. Trust Him to answer quickly, surely, and with Love for everyone who will be touched in any way by the decision. And everyone will be."

He did decide for me! He knew what I needed, because about two weeks ago he led me to someone who was there to help. I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for this blog. When I started doing the lessons in a Course in Miracles I wanted to find some more information about it. I didn't know anyone who was studying or had studied. I did a search of blogs with content about the Course and found a blog called Gorgeous for God. I immediately went to the about me page. I found the blog is written by a lady named Lisa Natoli and I was amazed to read how similar we are. I noticed we had similar experiences in childhood and similar spiritual experiences so I wrote her an email. And she wrote me back! Since then we've been writing each other just about every day. She teaches the lessons on her blog. And that is just what I needed. I wasn't ready to get involved in another spiritual organization. I didn't want to have to go to anyone's house to study with a group. I need to feel safe in my studies and this is one of the many things Lisa has provided for me.

In the Manual for Teachers in the ACIM book there is a section about who are the pupils of God's teachers. It says, "Certain pupils have been assigned to each of God's teachers, and they will begin to look for him as soon as he has answered the Call. They were chosen for him because of the form of the universal curriculum that he will teach is best for them in view of their level of understanding." And I have been assigned to Lisa!

The section after that in the Manual is about the levels of teaching. This is what it says, "The teachers of God have no set teaching level. There is no one from whom a teacher of God cannot learn, so there is no one whom he cannot teach. However, from a practical point of view he cannot meet everyone, nor can everyone find him. Therefore, the plan includes very specific contacts to be made for each teacher of God. There are no accidents in salvation. Those who meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship. They are ready for each other."

There are no accidents in salvation! It was not an accident that I found Lisa. I was meant to all along. That probably explains why I felt I already knew her. Then the section talks about meetings that seemed to have happened by chance. It says, "These are not chance encounters. Each of them has the potential for becoming a teaching-learning situation." It really wasn't by chance that Amber and I had met. It wasn't by chance that I've met anyone. There is the potential for a learning situation with everyone I meet. I think that is amazing. I have thought this for sometime but never really thought about it. Several years ago, I didn't have a car so I had to rely on the bus to get me to work and if I missed the bus which I did often I would have to call a cab. They same cab driver would pick me up just about every time I called. We had the most interesting conversations.

He was from Africa and had been living in the states for about ten years. He would tell me stories about his life in Africa and about when he arrived in the states for the first time. He told me he arrived in NY City in the middle of winter. It is always hot or warm in Africa so he was not prepared for the frigid temperatures of NYC. He didn't have a coat and his head was bald. When he stepped off the plane his body went into shock and and his first sight to see in the States was the hospital! We also talked about spirituality quite a bit. He told me he thought I was a bright light and I would do well in whatever I did.

This friendship was very short but had a lasting effect on me. I've experienced several encounters like this in the oddest places, but really great places to meet special people. I've had friendships that only lasted for a few hours. One at the Department of Motor Vehicles waiting to get my driver's license; another on a train to Chicago; a customer who came in to the home decor store where I was working. I could probably think of several more.

I want to be more mindful now when I have these chance encounters. I want to learn in all of my meetings. I need to remember that in all of my meetings and relationships God brought us together. I want to love all of my brothers as myself and as He does. I want to remember that we have the same interest and it is to know our Father again.

Tell Them I Am Sent You.

2008-03-16T12:08:00.004-05:00

Ok, so now I know the purpose of the lessons of the past couple of days. "I see only the past." This is the idea of today's lesson. The ideas of the previous lessons were nothing I see means anything, I have given everything all the meaning it has for me and I am never upset for the reason I think. Everything I see or anything that makes me upset is based on belief of past perceptions.

It is so true. Everything I see or feel I associate with what I have experienced in the past. When I look at objects around my house I immediately think of when I got it, where I got it, who it reminds me of. As far as upsets go, one of my major sore spots is when someone questions my honesty or accuses me of my intentions not being pure. I know I'm an honest person and I try to make sure my intentions are pure. It was like I came into this world with the knowledge that it is much better to tell the truth rather than lie not matter how painful it may be. Regardless of this, I have been accused many times of not being honest. It hurts me even though I know that the person accusing me is coming from a place of defensiveness and low self worth. Every time this happens my mind immediately goes to the first time someone accused me of lying when I wasn't. I was 11 years old and the person accusing me was an adult whom I always felt a need to please. I still don't know why she felt compelled to not believe me but it hurt me on many levels and my relationship with this person has never completely recovered. I know this is something in me needing forgiveness. I need forgiveness and to forgive.

Forgiveness, yes! This is what these lessons are leading up to! I know what their up to. :)

In the text I read today it said, "All your difficulties stem from the fact that you do not recognize yourself, your brother or God. To recognize means to 'know again,' implying that you knew before. You can see in many ways because perception involves interpretation, and this means that it is not whole or consistent."

Who I think I am now is just a system of beliefs that are based on past perceptions that weren't even true to begin with. These beliefs have been with me since I was a child so this makes it difficult to undo them because I have decided they were true.

I've been told I have a profound memory. I can remember my childhood very clearly. And not just events, but also how I thought and felt. Some things I wish I didn't remember, but one memory in particular I am very grateful to have remembered.

This was perhaps my first memory. This memory goes back before I had any judgments or any preconceived ideas. I recall this point in time when I am confused about who I am or unhappy with who I am because this is a memory of who I truly am.

I couldn't have been more than two years old because I was in my crib that I grew out of when I was two. It was a tiny, yellow crib. I had just woken up. I was just lying in my crib gazing out the window that was at the end of my bed. I was watching the shadows of the trees on the side of the house next door. The wind was blowing the trees causing the shadows to dance. At the time, though, I was not thinking of the shadows or the trees, the wind or the house next door. I was not upset or anxious. I wasn't thinking about what I was going to do when I got up. I had no thought. I was in a state of being. It was a moment of pure happiness and contentment, but not about anything in particular. It was like being happy because I was alive, because of that moment.

I think this is what it is to be in communion with God. A Course in Miracles puts it this way:

"Prayer is a way of asking for something. It is the medium of miracles. But the only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness, because those who have been forgiven have everything. Once forgiveness has been accepted, prayer in the usual sense becomes utterly meaningless. The prayer for forgiveness is nothing more than a request that you may be able to recognize what you already have." You have lost the knowledge that you yourself are a miracle of God."

"Communion, not prayer, is the natural state of those who know. God and His miracle are inseparable. How beautiful indeed are the Thoughts of God who live in His light! Your worth is beyond perception because it is beyond doubt. Do not perceive yourself in different lights. Know yourself in the One Light where the miracle that is you is perfectly clear."

Dear God,
Here is my request. I would like to be able to recognize that I am a miracle of God.
Thank you.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

2008-03-14T12:48:00.004-05:00

"You may still complain about fear, but you nevertheless persist in making yourself fearful. I have already indicated that you cannot ask me to release you from fear. I know it does not exist, but you do not. If I intervened between your thoughts and their results, I would be tampering with a basic law of cause and effect; the most fundamental law there is. I would hardly help you if I depreciated the power of your own thinking. This would be in direct opposition to the purpose of this course. It is much more helpful to remind you that you do not guard your thoughts carefully enough. You may feel that at this point it would take a miracle to enable you to do this, which is perfectly true. You are not used to miracle-minded thinking, but you can be trained to think that way. All miracle workers need that kind of training." - A Course In Miracles.

Later I find more of an explanation in the training this excerpt was speaking of. "The miracle worker must have genuine respect for true cause and effect as a necessary condition for the miracle to occur." Further down the paragraph it says, "By choosing the miracle you have rejected fear, if only temporarily".

I had wrote in my previous post that I wondered how I could achieve right-mindedness if my mind hasn't been right my whole life and also stated that rather than performing miracles I needed a miracle. I think it is quite interesting that one day while reading I'll inevitably have an unanswered question in my mind and the next day I'll get the answer.

In the chapter I read today it said that fear happens when you choose not to love. Also that fear happens when there is a conflict between what you think and what you do. Now what to do about fear? It says that the correction of fear is my responsibility and that the correction is always the same, "Before you choose to do anything, ask me if your choice is in accord with mine. If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear".

Now, I just need to figure out how to hear the Voice. I'll probably need to get my mind right and I think the lessons and exercises will help me to do that. But for now, I think there is much truth in this statement, "The true resolution rests entirely on mastery through love. On the interim, however, the sense of conflict is inevitable, since you have placed yourself in a position where you believe in the power of what does not exist (fear)."

As far as the lessons are going, I'm not sure what the point is for the exercise today. I'm sure there is a purpose for it, I just haven't figured it out yet.

I'm sure my questions will be answered tomorrow.

Get Your Mind Right!

2008-03-13T11:24:00.003-05:00

It's interesting that yesterday I wrote that one of the fears I thought was holding me back from, I guess I would call it, spiritual success is the fear of being vulnerable because today I read in "A Course in Miracles" a section about feeling vulnerable. This is what it said, "As long as your sense of vulnerability persists, you should not attempt to perform miracles." So, I thought, "I need to get my mind right." But I wondered how am I supposed to go about doing this. My mind hasn't been right my whole life. Where do I begin?

Further down the page I read, " I have already said that miracles are expressions of miracle-mindedness, and miracle-mindedness means right-mindedness. The right-minded neither exalt nor depreciate the mind of the miracle worker or the miracle receiver. However, as a correction, the miracle need not await the right-mindedness of the receiver. In fact, its purpose is to restore him to his right mind. It is essential, however, that the miracle worker be in his right mind, however briefly, or he will be unable to re-establish right-mindedness in someone else." What I need then is a miracle. Rather than asking what miracles I should perform, I should be asking for a miracle to restore my mind to rightness. I'm not sure what that entails, but what do I have to lose by asking.

I was still thinking at this point though, what can I do to begin the healing of my mind. But, lo and behold, at the end of the section I was reading for the day, it told me what I could do. "Your can do much on behalf of your own healing and that of others if, in a situation calling for help, you think of it this way:

I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what
to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing
He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal."

I'm going to have to write that down in my planner or maybe memorize it. I can already think of many situations that this prayer or affirmation will be helpful in. Especially at work when things get so chaotic, the kids are acting crazy and I forget why I'm there to begin with. I'm also tutoring a little girl with special needs. She has bad days sometimes, like yesterday was probably the worst. The next time she is having a bad day, rather than thinking I don't know what to do or I would rather go home now, I can silently recite this affirmation. I really think this will help to remind me why I chose to work with children and especially special needs children. The choice came from a pure desire to help and I genuinely feel that I am doing God's work.

Fear. Who Cares!

2008-03-12T12:14:00.001-05:00

I'm finding it difficult to write this post because I have so many thoughts rattling around in my brain. I am struggling to sort through them all and to figure out exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.

There were certain ideas presented in the chapter I read today in "A Course in Miracles". I guess I will start with these ideas and my thoughts about them.

This was under the section titled "Atonement and Miracles". Atonement, as I understand, means undoing of sins, forgiveness, letting go of everything that makes you feel separate from God. "You have a role in the Atonement which I will dictate to you. Ask me which miracles you should perform. This spares you needless effort, because you will be acting under direct communication." I thought, of course, why not just ask. I've been wondering what I'm supposed to be doing for too long. I have been successful in getting what I need when I have asked in the past. (By the way, it is believed that "A Course in Miracles" was dictated by Jesus Christ himself) So, I picked up a pen and my journal and wrote, "What miracles would you have me perform?" I sat very still, with pen in hand, and made my mind receptive, expecting to receive an answer. The only word I felt compelled to write was "Care.". Yes, I doubted if that just wasn't a product of my conscious mind rather divinely dictated to me. Then I thought, "Who cares what the source is." (Maybe I should care) I think caring is an admirable thing to do and I know I don't do it enough.

I will make sure that my goal in any situation is to care. I will care about my fiance, my friends, my neighbors, my family, people I work with, the kids I teach and even the strangers I pass on the street. I will care for myself, my home, my dog and the house plants. I'll care more about the environment and how I impact it. I'll take better care of my car. I know my fiance will appreciate that. Perhaps, I could even care about things that aren't in my immediate environment, like the starving children in Africa or the orphans in China. I think that covers just about everything. I do feel pretty happy to have a direction or a specific, personal ideal to uphold.

The next thing I read that caught my attention was, "Child of God, your were created to create the good, the beautiful and the holy. Do not forget this." I will try not to forget this, but at times that I feel all I've created in my life is a big, stinking pile of crap, it is easy to not believe this statement. Which brings me to something else I read, "The real purpose of this world is to use it to correct you unbelief. You can never control the effects of fear yourself, because you made fear and you believe in what you made. All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level, and therefore do not exist at all. To whatever extent you are willing to submit your beliefs to this test, to that extent are your perceptions corrected." I actually fear submitting my beliefs of what I'm fearful of to the untrue test. That sentence may not seemed to make any sense, but this is how I feel. I fear being vulnerable and submitting to these things that I am fearful of seem to offer me protection from getting hurt. At the same time I want to be the best person I can be, I want to have a fulfilling life without fears and doubts. I like the idea of doing God's will.

Somewhere in the text I read today, it said something like we are afraid of losing something by making the commitment to live a holy life. I do feel this way, probably because of how I perceive living a holy life. To me it looks like living in a monastery in silence for the rest of my life. That does not seem pleasurable to me. I wonder, can I live a holy life and still have the company of my fiance, have a family, build a house in the woods and perhaps travel the world? Is it appropriate to continue to seek financial security? It is the fear of not knowing the right thing to do that keeps me down. I fear giving up worldly desires because I really don't know what living a holy life feels like.

I think it is an appropriate time to talk about two of my most profound spiritual experiences. They were on my mind today and these experiences are what got me in this predicament in the first place. When I first started meditating in my early 20's, I wasn't sure if God existed. I was hoping that I would find out one way or the other through meditation. I had been meditating for about a month and all I experienced was a scattered mind and a sore back. I was getting frustrated, but was told to be patient. I basically was at the point to where I was fed up. I had been going through, what was at the time, the pain of meditation for something I wasn't even sure existed for a month now.

I decided one night that I was going to sit in meditation for as long as it took to know the truth about God. I wouldn't stop no matter how much my back ached or how sleepy I got until I knew the answer. I would sit there all night if I had to. So I sat down in the proper pose, did my breathing exercises exactly as I was taught and stated my petition. "I want to know God, my Self, peace, love and joy." I was not humble enough to just ask for one thing, I wanted to know it all.

I had been sitting for only about a minute and I was surprised at how still my mind was. Ever fiber of my being was determined to know the answer. Then to my surprise, I perceived someone or something approaching me. It was the feeling you get when your lying down with your eyes closed and someone enters the room. You don't hear them but you just know some how someone is there. Then I saw in my mind that the something was light, not just any light, but I knew it was light with spirit. Then the light penetrated my soul like a spear that shattered my physical body and physical conscious into a million pieces that fell away. What was left was me, my true self, my own spirit of light. The Light filled my light and I knew that it was God. I new "I and the Father were one". I knew who I was and who God was. And God was Peace, Love and Joy. I felt the most perfect peace, the most divine love, and the greatest and most pure joy I had ever experienced and have yet since then. I felt cradled in a warm blanket whose fibers were made of peace, love and joy. I knew that I came from God and I never was separated from God.

The experience only lasted moments but felt like eternity. I was given a glimpse into what I could experience all the time once I do the work. It was great motivation.

Six years later:
I had been meditating and practicing spiritual disciplines for six years since my God experience. I was involved with a spiritual organization that I had become very involved in. I was spending most of my time teaching, doing fund raisers, going to meetings and class as well as working a full time job and still trying to keep up with an hour and a half of spiritual disciplines each day. I had gotten to the point to where something had to give and what ended up going on the back burner were my spiritual disciplines. I would do them if I had time and wasn't too exhausted. But I was exhausted and didn't even know what I was doing anymore. I pretty much decided I was going to leave the organization.

I had a dream one night after my decision. It was a lucid dream. Those had been occurring more and more as a result of disciplining my mind and learning about dreams and their meaning. In my dream there was an annoying, violent cat, a cat or any animal represents habits. I was aware of what habit the dream was presenting. I knew I should kill the cat, death means change. I couldn't kill this cat. I tried everything and the evil cat lived. One of my teachers was there in a white robe. I asked her what I should do. She told me the choice was mine to make. I had exhausted all ways to force myself to change this habit into something more productive. So I looked to the sky and raised my arms and said, "Ok, I surrender!". As I spoke those words the cat exploded into an infinite number of points of light until all that was around me was light. Next thing I new I was in another place. Not another dream or awake in my bed, but another REAL place. I was totally alive and awake in some kind of palace. The floors looked like golden liquid but they were solid. It was a huge palace with huge columns. The walls were golden and the columns were shiny and white and reflected the gold. There were two people with me, one on each side of me. They were wearing white robes. They placed their hands on my arms and said, "Now it's time to look in the mirror". They turned me around and on the wall was an enormous gold framed mirror. I was in complete awe in what I was experiencing and it was blowing my mind. I was also very afraid. Just as we got to the mirror, I collapsed. Like my legs could no longer hold my weight. The two people, or beings, caught me and sat me down gently and said, "you need to breath". I started breathing deeply and immediately found myself back in my bed.

Even though the notion of being in a real place that is not the earthly world I'm familiar with was frighting and disturbing to my feeble mind, I want to go back. I want to look in the mirror. I wondered after that dream what was the meaning of it all. Why could I not look in the mirror. I realized more completely today that I wasn't ready. It is my fear that keeps me from knowing. It is my fear of losing something and feeling vulnerable.

Maybe the best way to deal with my fears is to just jump in with both feet or rip the band aid off in one quick motion. It is time for me to dive off the high dive. I've been afraid of the unknown for too long. I'm going to start caring about everything... with the exception of fear.

Seeing is Knowing

2008-03-11T10:15:00.001-05:00

There was a paragraph in the section I was reading today in "A Course in Miracles" that I think best describes what I have been experiencing with the lessons the last couple of days. "The miracle makes no distinction among degrees of misperception. It is a device for perception correction, effective quite apart from either the degree or the direction of the error. This is its true indiscriminateness."

So far, I understand a miracle as true perception. You can only have true perception by giving all of your attention to the moment. In the book there are many examples given of what miracles are. The one thing these examples have in common is they describe the effect of miracles on the consciousness. The effect is the identification as a spiritual being rather than a physical body. Identifying as a spiritual being is the awareness that there is never a separation between the Self and God or that anyone is truly separate from anyone else or anything. When the attention is fully in the moment this is an obvious truth and the awareness is natural. Whew, that was a mouthful!

The exercises in the lessons have the natural effect of placing my attention in the moment. It really is so easy and the word "natural" I've already used a couple of times in this entry is the best word to describe my experience. Being so natural, why haven't I experienced being fully in the moment more often? The answer is a simple one... I'm just so distracted all the time. And not by anyone but myself. It's my fears, doubts, judgments, beliefs, prejudices, physical pain, insecurity, feeling lonely, habits, wants, needs, thinking I'm in control, I really could go on and on. And doesn't all of these distractions describe the human experience? Maybe more accurately, this describes the experience of being a physical body living in a physical environment with the knowledge that the end is inevitable. Well, I don't want to live like that anymore. I really have been given enough reasons from my spiritual experiences to know that I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. I'm just so stubborn though.

I've also been reading a book on Buddhism. It's called "Buddhism, Plain and Simple". It seems to go right along so well with "A Course in Miracles". Today I was reading a section of the book that was an overview of The Eightfold Path. In explaining the second aspect of the Path, right intention, the author related a story. I will paraphrase. It was a story of Socrates. He wanted to see if a young man that had come to him for instruction had the resolve to search for truth. He asked the man to follow him into the river and then suddenly took hold of him and held him under the water. Of course the young man struggled to get loose and come up for air. Socrates let him go and said, "When you fight for truth as you fight for breath, come back and I'll teach you."

I have been struggling against the inevitable, i.e. death, my whole life with sporadic interruptions of truth and now I feel I have the conviction to fight for truth. The author uses the phrase right seeing quite a bit to describe what Buddhism is all about. This is also what "The Course in Miracles" seems to be about (right seeing). To really see you have to have your attention in the moment. You have to pay attention to what is really going on, not what you think is going on or what you think someone else thinks is going on. What I'm saying is I need to let go of all of those distractions I listed earlier to see the truth. I succeeded in doing that today with a problem my fiance and I have been having. I feel like I've solved the problem and that it never was a problem to begin with.

This morning as we were discussing this problem it seemed unresolvable. We were at an impasse. So, after he left for work this morning I was able to remove myself from the situation. Step back or look at it from above. I let go of my emotions attached to the situation and my thoughts of being right or wrong and just looked at it for what it was. I realized the whole source of the problem is that we are individuals (this is true), but we expect each other to act, feel and think the same (this is delusional).

We all come into this life with different talents, abilities and understandings of different degrees. However, we are all, whether understanding consciously or unconsciously, moving toward the same goal and facing the same core challenges of being in a physical body. Sure, there are many unproductive actions and attitudes my fiance and I both need to change, but no matter how we act or what we do we can never force each other to change. So my solution: I know that we want to be together but just want to have an easier more pleasant time of it. Maybe if we just let each other be who we are and give each other permission to change in our own time we would naturally appreciate and respect each other more. I think that just this letting go of how we expect each other to be, the changes that are needed will happen... naturally.

Maybe, I should have titled this blog "Naturally".

New Day

2008-03-10T11:49:00.001-05:00

Well, I guess every day is new, but lately it's been feeling like every day is the same. I know it's because I've just been going through the motions and have forgotten to enjoy the experience of being alive. I've gotten tired of feeling that way so today I started "A Course in Miracles". I've had the book for about five years now. It was given to me by a correspondence student I used to teach spiritual disciplines to when I was spiritually disciplined. That is a long story I will reserve for a day I have more time to write. I didn't even open the book for about three or four years. When I did I couldn't believe that I had been keeping this "miraculous" book from myself all this time. But I think things happen when they do for a reason. I have read quite a bit of the text and it has given me great insight and also started the course at one time but wasn't totally committed to following through with it. I feel like now is the time I need it the most.

The course takes one year to complete; one exercise each day. There is also the text which is 666 pages (not the number of the devil by the way, it represents the highest level of service you can give to humanity, that's how I understand it anyway). So, reading 2 pages of the text each day will allow me to also finish the text in a year. I might read more pages each day, but 2 pages is the minimum.

Anyway, I've done my lesson today and read three pages. The lesson was so simple but had an amazing effect on my consciousness. I felt completely in the moment and experienced a temporary release of attachment to everything in my environment. I felt free, no worries, no pain, no stress. It was wonderful even if only for a minute or so.

I will do my best to write about my experiences with these lessons every day. I have no one to study with anymore, but I think it is important to get my thoughts out however I can. It helps me to learn better.

By the way, about my last post on my religion. I know it was kind of a silly post, but I have realized over the last month that I don't need to identify myself with any particular religion. God exists no matter how or where you worship, what you believe or don't believe. If any one asks what church I go to or what my religion is I can confidently tell them that my religion and church is my own direct experience. I am fortunate though that my direct experience has provided me with plenty of proof that God exists. Why would I need a priest or minister to consult about God when I know that if I have any spiritual questions I can ask God myself and he always answers.

Indian Food

2008-02-01T16:59:00.000-06:00

Today I had lunch with my boss and co-workers at an Indian restaurant. The occasion was a farewell to one of our co-workers. It was really great to be able to actually have a conversation with the people I work with. We stay so busy when we're working we don't have the time for small talk. I've been working with them for four months now and don't really even know them.

The conversation turned to church when talking about one of our co-workers who drives three hours one way, three times a week to church and with all that driving, that's probably why her back has been sore lately. This is when I remained silent in the conversation and just listened. Every person at the lunch was a part of a specific church. Most go to various Christian churches with the exception of my boss, originally from India, who goes to Temple. I didn't mention that I don't go to church.

It's not like I think church is all that bad. I just haven't come across one yet that I fit in to. To paraphrase what I spoke about in my first posting: I was not raised with a particular religion, but visited several different kinds of churches as a child. Needless to say, with that kind of exposure to contradicting religions, I wasn't quite sure which people of faith deserved to go to Heaven. My mother said as long as I was good and believed in God I would go to Heaven. I believed her then and still believe now.

During that conversation I expected with dread to hear someone ask me the question, "So, where do you go to church," or "What is your religion?" Luckily, no one thought to ask, but on the way home, I had to ask myself, "so, Self, what is your religion?".

I'm having a really tough time answering that. I guess the simplest answer would be I don't have a religion. But, at the same time, I feel like I do. I suppose it's not necessary to label myself, but just for fun, I think I'll try.

I was also thinking on the drive home, what is the true definition of the word religion. I enjoy looking up what Webster says a word means in order to gain more insight on a particular subject. Of course, I looked up religion in the dictionary when I got home.

Religion, n. An acknowledgment of our obligation to God; practical piety; devotion; any system of faith and worship. Any system of faith and worship is pretty general. I guess I do have a religion, but I prefer to call it "My System of Faith and Worship".

Now that I'm looking up religion in the dictionary again so I can type the meaning I notice the next word is "religious". And I know I am not as religious with my system of faith and worship as I would like to be. The word after religious is "relinquish", to give up; to leave; to renounce! Now if this just ain't appropriate! I'll tell you why that excites me in a moment.

This word, renounce, is so appropriate because I had lunch at an Indian restaurant. Although, I didn't question my boss about the Hindu faith, I do know a little about it. Renunciation is a very important practice of a Yogi. I practiced spiritual disciplines of eastern religions diligently for six years. So, I know something about renunciation. I know it's hard. I am so attached to the physical things of this world, especially ice cream, watching movies, drinking too much coffee.

I also know that attachment to these physical indulgences isn't all that renunciation is about. Letting go of my self doubt, giving up the attitude that I really have control over things outside of my Self or my mind and renouncing the temptations of the ego. Renunciation is the practice I need to take up again to be more religious, devout, in my faith and worship.

The Bhagavad Gita, also known as the great Hindu poem "The Lord's Song" of the Mahabharata describes renunciation well in many verses. In fact that is basically what the whole poem is about. Here is a series of verses I came across today:

"Abandoning without reserve all desires born of the imagination, by the mind curbing in the aggregate of the senses on every side. Little by little let him gain tranquility by means of Reason controlled by steadiness; having made the mind abide in the Self, let him not think of anything.
As often as the wavering and unsteady mind goes forth, so often reining it in, let him bring it under the control of the Self.
Supreme joy is for this Yogi whose mind is peaceful, whose passion-nature is calmed, who is sinless and of the nature of the Eternal. The Yogi who thus, ever harmonizing the self, hath put away sin, he easily enjoyeth the infinite bliss of contact with the Eternal.
The self, harmonized by yoga, seeth the Self abiding in all beings, all beings in the Self; everywhere he seeth the same. He who seeth Me (the one Lord) everywhere, and seeth everything in Me, of him will I never lose hold, and he shall never lose hold of Me."

Who knew that eating Indian food with my co-workers would lead me to this contemplation of my religion, I mean "my system of faith and worship" and my level of religiousness.

So, in trying to identify my religion I wonder if I can call myself Christian. I know God exists and I believe in one true God, but many religions believe in one true God. That belief wouldn't make someone Christian. Some religions believe in many Gods, but do they mean literally there are many Gods or maybe they mean there are many attributes of one God that can be identified individually. Personally, I believe the latter. All the Christians I've met don't believe in reincarnation, although it is alluded to in the Bible. And I know through my personal spiritual experiences reincarnation is a fact. The Bible is my Holy book of choice, but I believe much truth can be found in many other Holy books of different religions. I also believe Jesus was sent here to bring light to the world and teach "love ye one another", but he was not necessarily The Son of God. We are all children of God. Jesus knew this and came to let us know this truth. Now I'm sure I could be offending any Christians reading this. I do believe Jesus is "the way, the truth and the light". I not sure I could explain why though.

This labeling of "my system of faith and worship" is starting to seem pointless. I will continue to strive to do God's Will. And just as Lord Krishna puts it in the Bhagavad Gita," Better one's own duty (duty refers to one's dharma, or in my own words, the plan God has for one) though destitute of merit, than the duty of another well discharged."

I'm just going to call myself a Christian Yogi.

Gratitude

2008-01-29T09:20:00.001-06:00

Today I am feeling particularly grateful. It is a beautiful morning. The weather feels more like spring than winter. After I got up this morning my Beagle was begging me to go outside. So, we went for a short walk. It was really very pleasant and I just felt so privileged to live in my neighborhood. I live on a one-way street in a valley near the downtown area but there's no traffic sound. My walk was so quiet except for the sound of church bells in the distant. The bells were actually playing a very pleasant song that I had heard before, but I couldn't remember the words. The church is about four or five blocks away and is one of the most architecturally beautiful churches in the city. The city I live in is known for it's many art deco buildings and this church is one that is a historical gem.

In this grateful mindset, I started to think that not only is my neighborhood quiet I also feel so safe here. I have to owe that to having really great neighbors and knowing all of them personally. Everybody helps each other out without worrying about if they're going to get the favor paid back. It always seems to work out, though, that if we (my boyfriend and I) do a favor for one of our neighbors, if we ever need anything at some point someone will help us out.

One of my neighbors and I were talking last night about this very thing. He said it was so convenient that if he's out of something, he doesn't have to go to the store. He can just go to one of the neighbors and borrow it. In fact, in my kitchen I have a table I put dishes that aren't mine that seemed to make their way to my house so my neighbors can see them when they come over and claim them. I just love our little community.

So, today I offer a prayer of thanks for the people that live next to me and my quiet, safe little neighborhood.

Why am I doing this?

2008-01-27T12:33:00.002-06:00

I am doing this for several reasons: To get my thoughts out so I might not go crazy, to share some interesting, what I have deemed as, spiritual experiences I've had throughout my life and for the reason I don't feel comfortable sharing these experiences and the thoughts I have about them to people I know and have to see everyday. These people think I'm "normal" or maybe ordinary and I kind of would like to keep it that way. I really don't want to weird anyone out. So, I will remain anonymous in this blog.

Why did I decide to create this blog today? For quite a while I have really wanted to find someone who I can talk to about my experiences that would understand and maybe even give me some insight. "Quite a while" is really an understatement. I remember asking questions about God and the Bible in Sunday School when I was a kid. And the youth minister would look at me like I was a weirdo and just give me some kind of answer like because the Bible says. Never really giving me an intelligent answer.

I went to many churches as a child, Baptist, Methodist, Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall. Needless to say as a child I was very confused about religion. I asked my mom which church was right, who are the one's who will go to Heaven. She said that as long as I was a good person and believed in God, I would go to Heaven. This answer satisfied me for a long time.

Since then I have had many experiences that have given me some of the pieces to the puzzle of what the true truth is about God, why we are here and where we are going. I have yet had a minister in a church prove to me that God exists, but when I finally, whole-heartedly asked in prayer whoever in the ethers that may have been listening, to prove to me God exists, GOD SHOWED UP. Let me tell you, when God makes a personal visit, to doubt it happened would be impossible, like believing your own mother never really existed.

I realized church was not the way for me. I knew God was definitely the way for me, so since then I have been sifting through holy books and spiritual practices and if something works to get me closer to God than I use it.

I will admit, one good thing about organized religion are people. People to share your faith, belief and revelations with. This is why I need this blog. I have had experiences in prayer and meditation, while I'm asleep in my dreams and before I go to sleep. I'll get to the specific experiences later. But my point is, I'll have some brief moment of enlightenment or some strange spiritual happening, and then no one I feel I can tell about it and find out why, what was the purpose. So, when these things happen I think, "what's the purpose of that, what am I supposed to do with that?" This thought is where the title of my blog, Light Burdens, comes from. I have a beautiful experience (of light/awareness) and I feel like I've received a gift from God so now I'm responsible for doing something with it - hence the word burdens. Or you could look at the title another way; I feel grateful and humbled to receive these experiences even though I don't know what to do with them. So, really it's not like a heavy burden, like I'm depressed and don't know what I have to live for. Therefore, when that title came to mind I felt it perfectly described how I feel about my spiritual journey. I got the words for my title I think when I was reading the Bible and there was something about burden and light.

I still haven't answered the question why did I create this blog today, right now. Today is Sunday, and sometimes I feel I should read something holy on Sundays or pray. Today was different though because I meditated also. I haven't really meditated, like sitting in the correct posture and the breathing exercises and all, for probably more than a year. My Sunday worship started out pretty normal. I got out my Bible (the Holy book of choice for today), asked a question in my mind I needed guidance on and then opened the Bible to a random page and read the passage my eyes landed on. This is my preferred method of receiving answers.

The concern I had in my mind basically had to do with why I've been having anxiety attacks, why do I feel alone and not very close to God or enlightened as of late. I opened my Bible and my sight landed on 2 Chronicles 15: about verse 2. It said with exclamation, "The Lord will stay with you as long as you stay with him! Whenever you seek him, you will find him. But if you abandon him, he will abandon you." From there I start interpreting the passage relating it to my own life. I don't think God ever abandons anyone, but he does give you the free will to choose to abandon him, but he'll be there if you choose to come back. Now back to the passage, "For a long time, Israel was without the true God, without a priest to teach them, and without God's law." I admit hadn't been doing any spiritual study for a couple of months. "But whenever you were in distress and turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and sought him out, you found him." Yes, your right, that has happened from time to time. "During those dark times, it was not safe to travel. Problems troubled the nation on every hand. Nation fought against nation, and city against city, for God was troubling you with every kind of problem." Anxiety attacks! "And now you men of Judah, be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded." So, I needed to bring out my inner strength and be courageous instead of worrying so much about every kind of problem God is troubling me with. I don't blame my problems on God, although sometimes I think maybe he did give me these problems because I could handle them and would make me stronger.

After I read that passage, I decided to meditate, to let God know I wanted to stay with Him and I am seeking Him. . . again. And also, what should I do with myself to get over the anxiety. I started meditating and as usual I had a song stuck in my head and all the associated thoughts with the song. So I dealt with it by pretending I was talking to God in like a really loud bar and that song was just what was playing on the jukebox and I was listening intently to what He had to say. Then out of nowhere the thought of writing a blog about my spiritual journey came through my mind. I believed that wasn't just a thought in my scattered mind, but maybe the answer.

Maybe I had a little doubt, but I hadn't ever seriously thought of writing a blog but wished there was someone I could talk to about spiritual stuff. So just to make sure I decided to consult another spiritual guide called, "A Course in Miracles". If anyone is reading this and hasn't heard of it, please look it up. The website is www.acim.org. It's like my second Bible. So, I opened the book to a random page to see if what I read would squash my doubt. My sight landed in Chapter 14, Part III. The Decision for Guiltlessness, paragraphs 16 & 17. It says, "Say to the Holy Spirit only, "Decide for me," and it is done. For His decisions are reflections of what God knows about you, and in this light, error of any kind becomes impossible. Why would you struggle so frantically to anticipate all you cannot know, when all knowledge lies behind every decision the Holy Spirit makes for you? Learn of His wisdom and His Love, and teach His answer to everyone who struggles in the dark. For you decide for them and for yourself.

How gracious it is to decide all things through Him Whose equal Love is given equally to all alike! He leaves you no one outside of you. And so He gives you what is yours, because your Father would have you share it with Him. In Everything be led by Him, and do not reconsider. Trust Him to answer quickly, surely, and with Love for everyone who will be touched in any way by the decision. And everyone will be.

So, I made the decision to do this blog. This is a way I can practice faith and trust in myself and a greater power whom I prefer to call God. I know it is already helping the anxiety I've been having lately. I do feel more relaxed. If this blog only helps myself that would be great because that is the main reason I am doing it. But if it can help anyone else reading this to gain some insight, that would be fantastic.

I will be writing details about my spiritual experiences in future postings and of course my thoughts about my current studies.